Ker-Plunk

The thing about my depression is that one minute i can be fine, laughing and joking…. the next i have switched. It doesn’t take much in all honesty and it’s not merely an ‘oh drat’ feeling, it is full on want to cry and go home and curl up in bed and it can happen for the silliest of reasons.

It happens a lot less frequently now that i’m feeling a bit better and now there will be a reason for it (albeit a silly one) rather than leaking from my tearducts for no reason just sitting at my desk.

I’ve spoken to the doctor and he’s said it’s to be expected, i was a lot worse at the start that either of us had thought, it seems.

The annoying thing is, i don’t always know what will set it off, it could be anything from a shoe not fitting in the shop to the boyfriend saying something flippant and i just can’t control it. Yes, i know i’m being silly and yes, i know there’s nothing to get upset about, but i do. I sit here feeling like i’m surrounded in a black cloud and there is just no way i can fight myself out of it. The tears well up and stick in my throat. Thank goodness i’ve got better at controlling them though.

I just hope it stops soon. God knows it’s annoying me, and chances are, if it’s annoying me then it’s annoying him. Poor Love.

32 thoughts on “Ker-Plunk

  1. Katja says:

    I feel stupid that I didn’t know. I mean, I knew that you got down, but I didn’t realise it had got that bad. *big hugs*

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  2. Bunnyman says:

    I need to chip in and do the same. Now I feel guilty for all the completely daft things I’ve no doubt said. You’re free to drop that Ker-Plunk on my toe.
    Still, it’s good with these, getting you down things, when a bit of science can come along and help make some sense of it. You got a lot of courage to blog it, Buttons. *hugs* and *hugs*

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  3. Buttons says:

    thanks Katja – in all honesty i’ve not spoken about it much, so there’s no reason your would have known. but the plus is that it’s getting better. slowly but surely!!

    and you Bunny love. no need to feel bad. the silly comments and messing around is what gets me through the day 🙂

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  4. Katja says:

    I’m glad to hear it. xx

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  5. Gamba says:

    I’ve been there. Is it comforting to tell you that it won’t be like that forever?

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  6. Buttons says:

    yes it is thank you Gamba!!
    there’s a bit of light at the end of the tunnel but every time i think it’s getting better, i have days like the past few and feel like i’m back to square one!

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  7. Gamba says:

    You’ll find that as you get better at recognising it, each ‘attack’ lasts slightly shorter than the last one.

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  8. Buttons says:

    they’re getting less frequent but they’re still dragging on into the next day!

    although the Doc suggested stopping my tablets after Christmas so who knows

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  9. holllyberrry says:

    i’ve been depressed off and on and it does get better. you have to remember that if you can. and it helped me know that I’m not the only one: there are so very many people that suffer from depression. it’s nothing to be ashamed of. I hope that helps you to know that. also, try to think of what sets it off if you can. for me it’s lack of sleep, change in routine, hungry but not noticing. silly little things practically as simple as a baby’s needs but not so silly because these things are important to the human cycle. so when you feel down, if you can reach out, put on some great music (preferably not depressing), take a rest, take a walk, and breathe fresh air, some of these things might help. It’s going to be okay.

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  10. Buttons says:

    thank you Holly. At the moment, i find it can be anything…. mostly when i’m shopping or if someone does/says something that i take the wrong way

    the weekend was full of episodes, i think i’m a little stressed at the moment which doesn’t help

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  11. panda_eyed says:

    Poor you. I guess all you can do is try and keep your head up, but I hope you have lots of love and support to get you through it. Hope you feel better soon xx

    How much doI love your snuggly hech-hog picture? Lots!

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  12. Buttons, just wanted to say how brave and wonderfully honest you are. I’m glad you’re around. I hope you continue to sort things out – you definitely have the right attitude to it. x

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  13. Feathers says:

    I could have wrote this entry. That is exactly how I feel. For me rather than moments I get days. No two days are alike. Yet I never seem to find a specific reason for the change. I have never been to seek medical advice, I just try and deal with it myself. I put it all down to when I lost my mum and just try and muddle through. If ever you do need someone to talk to I am here.

    You have so much support and I think that helps. I know I feel better wih all my virtual hugs.
    *hugs* xx

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  14. Buttons says:

    Panda – isn’t it cute? weirdly, it was on a website that sells wool….i think they’re a bit confused there!!

    Bubbleman – thank you. i know you find it hard writing about the things you do, but i hope it’s nice to know there are other people out there in similar situations

    Feathers – thank you too. i hope you like this blog, i had a feeling that you might xxx

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  15. Feathers says:

    I see alot of myself in here. I am pleased you shared it with me. You have surprised me lady! xx

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  16. Huw says:

    Hey. Hang in there. Don’t feel guilty about this though. When the black clouds hit it often isn’t your fault and so don’t think you’re being silly!

    The black clouds are nasty little critters and even if it is a pair of shoes which brings them on, they still make you feel terrible. Why am I saying all this stuff you already know? I don’t know – but you are not being silly!

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  17. Buttons says:

    feathers – not the impression you had of me? lol

    huw – yes i do know all that stuff and maybe you are stating the obvious a little 😉 but it’s nice to hear someone else say what you’re thinking 🙂

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  18. Moobs says:

    I know how exactly how you feel. The niggling guilt that you are somehow letting yourself and other people down as the black dog chases you somewhere you don’t want to be. But Gamba’s right – it gets better.

    Like

  19. Buttons says:

    Moobies – yeah, it’s also the fact that i know i dont really have good reson to feel like this, so it’s hard to explain to people

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  20. hamlet says:

    I really know how you feel. Been there, still there. As my namesake says-

    “How weary, stale, flat and unprofitable
    Seem to me all the uses of this world!”

    Like

  21. Buttons says:

    it’s funny how you find that lots of people are in a similar situation to you when you think you’re alone

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  22. hamlet says:

    Yes I found that. There’s more of it around than most of us think.

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  23. Buttons says:

    i blame Tony Blair….

    i just don’t like him and i want someone to blame

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  24. hamlet says:

    Yes! In fact, all politicians. None of them make me feel any better.

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  25. Buttons says:

    excellent. it’s good knowing i have someone to blame now….

    i also blame Bush

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  26. hamlet says:

    How about all the politicians in the world?

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  27. hamlet says:

    Actually, I blame Robbie Williams.

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  28. Buttons says:

    ohhhh i love Robbie Williams….

    sorry

    i blame Jodie Marsh

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  29. hamlet says:

    Oh, dear. Don’t read my latest entry then. I think I’ve just alienated my one reader…

    Yes! Let’s blame Jodie Marsh!

    Like

  30. holllyberrry says:

    i’m still blaming Bush.

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  31. Buttons says:

    thanks! i know you don’t mind, but i still don’t like feeling like i’m putting on you and stressing you out too
    xx

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  32. It doesnt annoy me. It never has.
    I dont want you worrying about how you think I feel when you feel like this. Im always going to be here to support you, and not to judge you.

    And its great news and show how much progress you’ve made in a short period that he doc is thinking about stopping your tablets.
    (Now yours makes no sense ;))

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