Skin Deep

I don’t think that i’ve ever been very comfortable being me.

Even when i was younger, i never quite felt like i fitted in with the other kids or with myself. I guess i never knew who i wanted to be but i was quite sure that it wasn’t me.
I would often look in the mirror and wonder what people thought when they saw me and heard me talking. To me, it’s makes sense. The thoughts in my head are logical and i don’t think the things i do are silly….. but then what does everyone else make of it when they see it from behind their eyes not mine.

I’d hide away by myself reading my books and getting lost in a fantasy land and it’s not too different now.

I find that when i go out, i’m standing on the sidelines and feel like i’m just looking in on everyone else. Even when i’m with my friends it like i’m on the outside.

I think it’s because i’m so self-conscious. Never very outspoken and i’d rather people watch and listen to conversations than go ploughing in with my stories.
People have commented before that i seem aloof, standoffish and a bit of a snob, but i think that’s just how i come across and it’s completely wrong.

Maybe i should put people right when they think that, or maybe even try and make more of an effort to be talkative and get involved, but i often think ‘why should i?’
If someone isn’t willing to approach me instead of all the other people who tout themselves around more, then perhaps they aren’t really that interested in getting to know the real me.
I would rather stand back and let someone approach me because they want to get to know me, than be all in people’s faces and not really give them much choice.

Apparently i should be more confident. I should think more of myself. I should be bubbly and chatty and talkative like my friends.

But then i wouldn’t be me. I’d be pretending.

10 thoughts on “Skin Deep

  1. Olivia says:

    People say similar things about me too. However, I often am drawn to reach out to people I perceive as being more shy than I am.

    Also, in social situations, I am a bit of a chameleon and therefore in any situation I rarely feel I belong.

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  2. sketches says:

    I think most of us think that way to some extent, you are just being too critical of yourself.

    Just be the way you are !!!

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  3. Bec says:

    Before nearly everything I say I have a voice in my head editing it, and then about 10 seconds later another voice starts re-editing. I am constantly panicking that people see me as a stupid bumbling fool, and I wouldn’t blame them if they do.

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  4. Tabitha20 says:

    If that’s who you are then you should continue that way. There isn’t any point pretending to be something you’re not and why should you have to pretend just to please others? You come across as a sweet, down to earth person. Maybe who lacks a bit of self confidence but then who doesn’t? Don’t be so hard on yourself.xx

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  5. I was talking to a very wise lady the other day, who used to have lots of confidence issues, very much like the ones you, me and a fair few other people (from the list of comments so far!) have. She said it was all about being comfortable with herself, and once she was, then the word confidence wasn’t an issue. I suppose it’s like being fluent in a foreign language – when it’s natural, it doesn’t seem foreign anymore (says the boy who reached the pinnacle of a D in German GCSE). It may take time to get there, but it seems like a pretty good goal to achieve, rather than wanting to be the funny, audience-pleasing storyteller. x

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  6. Buttons says:

    olivia. i’d say that you’re pretty similar to me, although you seem to do better in social situations with people you don’t know!
    i think you can pretend a bit better!
    ****
    sketches!! ok, i will. well, i’ll try!
    ****
    bec you do? but your blog is fab and never sounds silly!
    ****
    thanks Tabitha. i am hard on myself in every way which i shouldn’t be. i will try.
    ****
    bubbles. i think confidence is the key to everything. i just need to get it!

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  7. Catherine says:

    I’m surprised I can even keep a blog, what with my self-critical fret machine always in overdrive. Just know that you aren’t alone in your self-consciousness. By the way, I don’t get snobby vibes from you at all. Quite the contrary, actually. 🙂

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  8. panda_eyed says:

    I am completely the same. I’ve been called aloof and stand-offish because I’m shy and tend to be quiet with unfamiliar people/surroundings.
    I can empathise with Olivia’s chameleon comment too – I don’t really know who ‘me’ is yet, and I wonder if I ever will.

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  9. huw says:

    I think a lot of us are like that. Even the “life and soul of the party” types are usually pretending.

    I’m more of the live inside my head type, too.

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  10. Dax says:

    Your character is very attractive, I don’t see the problem. Who needs to plunge headlong into an instant friendship, when you can spend years growing it?
    And yes, I guess I’m the same.

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