I don’t think that i’ve ever been very comfortable being me.
Even when i was younger, i never quite felt like i fitted in with the other kids or with myself. I guess i never knew who i wanted to be but i was quite sure that it wasn’t me.
I would often look in the mirror and wonder what people thought when they saw me and heard me talking. To me, it’s makes sense. The thoughts in my head are logical and i don’t think the things i do are silly….. but then what does everyone else make of it when they see it from behind their eyes not mine.
I’d hide away by myself reading my books and getting lost in a fantasy land and it’s not too different now.
I find that when i go out, i’m standing on the sidelines and feel like i’m just looking in on everyone else. Even when i’m with my friends it like i’m on the outside.
I think it’s because i’m so self-conscious. Never very outspoken and i’d rather people watch and listen to conversations than go ploughing in with my stories.
People have commented before that i seem aloof, standoffish and a bit of a snob, but i think that’s just how i come across and it’s completely wrong.
Maybe i should put people right when they think that, or maybe even try and make more of an effort to be talkative and get involved, but i often think ‘why should i?’
If someone isn’t willing to approach me instead of all the other people who tout themselves around more, then perhaps they aren’t really that interested in getting to know the real me.
I would rather stand back and let someone approach me because they want to get to know me, than be all in people’s faces and not really give them much choice.
Apparently i should be more confident. I should think more of myself. I should be bubbly and chatty and talkative like my friends.
But then i wouldn’t be me. I’d be pretending.