And so it goes.

I cut. Pain sears. Skin breaks. Blood flows as the hurt escapes from inside of me. No panic, just pain. All i can think of is the stinging. Look at the blood, tiny little beads breaking through. Watch as it carries the worries away.
It’s mine. My thing. My blood. My control.
People notice. It’s visible. They question and accuse. I’m ashamed. I don’t cut any more. I leave the worries inside of me. They amass like grey thunderclouds round my mind. They can’t be shaken off or explained away.
They wait. Patient. Silent. Ever present, more dense an unexlpainable.

I can’t ignore them any more. The panic wells, the clouds rush. The tears come.
Chest contracts, tight. Breathing is hard. Unfocussed. I need to get it out. Get the worry out, it consumes my brain and smothers my heart. I scratch and it stings. Focus on the stinging. Feel the nails drag across the skin. Concentrate. The cloud lifts a little and i can breathe. But i know they will be back. I can’t let me guard down, i can’t relax.

6 thoughts on “And so it goes.

  1. Gabriel. says:

    Yeah, okay, that’s a little more serious.

    Just in case: http://saltedlithium.wordpress.com

    Like

  2. feartheseeds says:

    “It’s mine. My thing. My blood. My control.”
    It’s an addiction, but you already know that.

    “I scratch and it stings. Focus on the stinging. Feel the nails drag across the skin. Concentrate. The cloud lifts a little and i can breathe. But i know they will be back. I can’t let me guard down, i can’t relax.”
    What do you do when you feel the wave coming? How long do you have to “concentrate” until the urge dissipates? Has the time been increasing or decreasing recently? None of this is my business, of course. But my youngest sister is a cutter. And her arms always make me want to cry.

    Like

  3. Sarah says:

    Hopefully you can use your blog as your release now. 🙂

    Like

  4. kitty says:

    I’m sorry you’re feeling so bad, Pink. Does anything else help when you’re feeling so panicky? I know it’s a cliche but holding ice-cubes has helped me – it’s a “safe” sort of pain. Not always practical on the tube, mind…

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  5. Hi Gabriel and thanks. It under control now but it’s still always there!

    Fear. I usually try and get out of the situation that i’m in but it’s not always that easy. I’ve not cut myself for years, but i do sometimes scratch with me nails which takes my focus.

    Kitty. That’s a brilliant idea. I’ve not had a panic for a month or so now which is always pleasing!

    Like

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