Monday, February 19th.
Last night was my first session with my counselor. I think that was the hardest i have ever worked for 50 minutes trying not to cry.
My hands were twisted into eachother. I was so nervous.
I think i managed to untangle some of my feelings and explainations of how i feel at the moment. She said that she understood all that i was saying and that my meaning came across clearly. Which is good. I struggle to explain exactly what makes me so sad alot of the time, but she seemed to know where i was coming from.
I’m fed up of being sad. Down in my heart, something hurts. I’m not sure what, but it hurts about 90% of the time.
The matter seems to be that i’m ‘not ok’. No matter how much i think i should be. No matter how much i pretend and tell myself that i’m being silly. I’m not ok. I’m not ok being me. I’m not myself right now and i haven’t been for a long time.
So i have to admit it. I’m not ok.
A major issues appears to be my self confidence and the way i think about myself. The thought processes that i go through and how they snowball out of control. I compare myself to anyone and everyone, and not in a favourable light. This is something that we will be working on trying to reslove and if i’m honest, i can’t wait. I can’t wait to like myself.
All in all, i think it was good. I think it will be good. I hope it can help me.
I want to be ok. I want to be happy again and i want to be myself, not this person crouched down in the shadows surrounded by the Fog.
At the end of the session she said that it was clear that i was trying to be ‘ok’. That i was strggling the whole time to control my emotions. That i was trying to stay composed. I hope that in time i can relax enough in her company to let the pain show, but i’ve been hiding it and trying to control it for so long, i don’t think it’s going to be that easy.