Keeping my councel

Monday, February 19th.

Last night was my first session with my counselor. I think that was the hardest i have ever worked for 50 minutes trying not to cry.

My hands were twisted into eachother. I was so nervous.

I think i managed to untangle some of my feelings and explainations of how i feel at the moment. She said that she understood all that i was saying and that my meaning came across clearly. Which is good. I struggle to explain exactly what makes me so sad alot of the time, but she seemed to know where i was coming from.

I’m fed up of being sad. Down in my heart, something hurts. I’m not sure what, but it hurts about 90% of the time.

The matter seems to be that i’m ‘not ok’. No matter how much i think i should be. No matter how much i pretend and tell myself that i’m being silly. I’m not ok. I’m not ok being me. I’m not myself right now and i haven’t been for a long time.

So i have to admit it. I’m not ok.

A major issues appears to be my self confidence and the way i think about myself. The thought processes that i go through and how they snowball out of control. I compare myself to anyone and everyone, and not in a favourable light. This is something that we will be working on trying to reslove and if i’m honest, i can’t wait. I can’t wait to like myself.

All in all, i think it was good. I think it will be good. I hope it can help me.
I want to be ok. I want to be happy again and i want to be myself, not this person crouched down in the shadows surrounded by the Fog.

At the end of the session she said that it was clear that i was trying to be ‘ok’. That i was strggling the whole time to control my emotions. That i was trying to stay composed. I hope that in time i can relax enough in her company to let the pain show, but i’ve been hiding it and trying to control it for so long, i don’t think it’s going to be that easy.

14 thoughts on “Keeping my councel

  1. concertmaster says:

    Hey. Glad it was a helpful expeience. Not necessarily comfortable, but helpful things aren’t always comfortable I guess…

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  2. Fabulous says:

    Hey Sweetie. LIsten its okay not to be okay as it is a start. Now you have a goal, somewhere to go, something to strive for. You will struggle going through all this stuff and then it will settle, you will start to work things out and that funny feeling of not being settled will start to settle. x

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  3. I can relate to all the things you say about feeling insecure, about not understanding what it is that is making you sad. When I saw Viv (my counsellor) I got miles better. Unfortunately I left university before my “programme” was complete but couldn’t see her anymore because it was a student-only service. She recommended some local places to go instead – but working in London put a halt to that as, well, I get home too late.

    What is clear to me is that talking therapy – whereby you work out what will help you yourself but facilitated by the counsellor who will ask you the questions you can’t think of but really need to try and answer – can be really beneficial. I think it is clear from the fact that you write such heartfelt blogs that you are a very expressive person and to share your emotions with others does you good. Because of this, I think that the verbalisation of your fears, feelings, thoughts, experiences will be a process that will work for you much more effectively than it may for others. Combined with AD mood stabilisers, given a little time, I really think you are going to see some results. There is no short quick fix, and you don’t need to be “cured” of anything. You just need to find a way to be comfortable with yourself and love yourself for what are your best qualities.

    See, I have made it to a point! 🙂 I get what I was going for – I even worked out good things about me that I like, reasons for people to like me (like I am loyal and honest, caring and thoughtful and prepared to put those I love ahead of me) but I still have my demons because I stopped the work on me. One of Coatman’s comments on my blog reminded me that I can continue this on my own – and when I move to London I will look into picking up where I left off.

    It is hard work Pinky and a bit of a long ride but you will benefit in the long term AND you will have the added bonus of understanding yourself better than most people understand themselves and self-awareness is always a good thing – both for yourself and your loved ones. Good luck hunny! xx

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  4. Fab and CM – i think it’s a cas of being comfortable talking about it all. and learning that it’s ok to be upset!

    SOTR – hello! that’s a long comment! 😉
    i hope it will help. i know i’m an emotional person so it’s hard to try and be in control of it all the time. i’m hoping we can work through the reasons that i might feel the way i do and get to some conclusions. I also hope it happens quickly as it’s bloody expensive.

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  5. Jason says:

    We all want you to be “ok” PJB, I’m a great fan of talking things through, if not to a Counsellor then to a good friend or Confidante who knows to be discrete.

    At least with a Counsellor you know that they’re going to really listen to you, and hopefully understand! It sounds like you’ve made a big step forward, hopefully the next ones will get progressively easier.

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  6. i think i’m better talking to someone who i don’t know rather than a friend. i just don’t feel comfortable telling people that i’m not alright i guess!

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  7. Jason says:

    I understand that too!

    My point was more that talking about it is good, it helps you to vocalise your thoughts and feelings, and helps you put them in to context. Something that most of us probably aren’t very good at!

    Hope you feel better soon!

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  8. val says:

    how cool are you!
    go on you talking to strangers bout deep inner self
    WOOP!

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  9. Fabulous says:

    It is easier to talk to someone you dont know as you can talk about people they dont know.
    It means you wont hold back.
    You did really well for your first time hun and you should be pleased that you went ahead and did it. x

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  10. thanks J…. i just hope it helps!

    Fabby thank you, i’m glad i went

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  11. Sarah says:

    I’m glad you have the courage to go and actually seek help. If you get any pointers on that self-esteem thing, please let me know 🙂

    I’m rooting for ya.

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  12. LondonGirl says:

    Good on you for going and seeing someone, taking a positive step towards taking control of how you feel. I struggle with depression quite a lot but have always found excuses not to go (money, time etc) so I’m really impressed that you’ve gone.

    Keep it up, hon.

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  13. thank you 🙂

    it is very expensive LondonGirl… a bit too expensive, i’m juust hoping that i get to the bottom of it quickly!!

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  14. avssblondie says:

    I really understand where you are coming from in this blog. Iv been there and part of me always will be but I had psychotherapy for a very long time and it seems to have taken away that permanent feeling of ‘not being ok’ there are days when I still feel that im really not ok but it’s no longer a sad feeling, it’s a worry, an anxiousness which is something I have had to learn to deal with but it only stops me from living my life sometimes now as opposed to all the time. I have no doubt that it will always be in me but hopefully your therapy will teach you to let it out, even if it takes time. You don’t HAVE to cry, you will be surprised at just how helpful talking it all through can be. Good luck darling……im here if you wanna email me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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