“Michael strained backward in a paroxysm of rage, making fierce short jumps to the end of the tether as he snarled and growled with utmost fierceness.” Word of the day from Google. Paroxysm.
This time last year I was single. I was in the very final uncomfortable dredges of a very unhealthy relationship (for me and him). I was struggling to be someone that i’m not.
I was fighting not to be sick on the bus to work. I was crying at work. I was crying on my way home from work. I was having panic attacks at the train station. I was (mildly) self harming to control the panic. Then i was crying when i got home and sleeping the sleep of the dead.
I hated myself. I was very uncomfortable in my own skin. I was uncomfortable around people, friends or strangers.
At the weekends I was going out and drinking myself into oblivion. It was the only way that I was comfortable enough to be out in social situations without being a paranoid wreck. I was spending my Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays either totally wasted, or being sick. I couldn’t be me.
So I went to the doctor and got some help. I got my tiny little tablets of joy. And they really were. I look back on that time and i really don’t know how i coped with it. For some people, meds don’t work. For me, they helped me over the worst.
Well, I’m in a very healthy relationship which I can be myself in.
I’m just about managing to keep a lid on all of my emotions (although it has been difficult of late)
I’ve not had an attack in a while
I’m still a little uncomfortable in social situations, but I no longer drink to cope with it, in fact I hardly drink at all.
I see a councellor once a week and we’re sorting things through.
Finally and very importantly…..I’m no longer taking any medication.