Thursday, March 29th

“Michael strained backward in a paroxysm of rage, making fierce short jumps to the end of the tether as he snarled and growled with utmost fierceness.” Word of the day from Google. Paroxysm.

This time last year I was single. I was in the very final uncomfortable dredges of a very unhealthy relationship (for me and him). I was struggling to be someone that i’m not.

I was fighting not to be sick on the bus to work. I was crying at work. I was crying on my way home from work. I was having panic attacks at the train station. I was (mildly) self harming to control the panic. Then i was crying when i got home and sleeping the sleep of the dead.

I hated myself. I was very uncomfortable in my own skin. I was uncomfortable around people, friends or strangers.
At the weekends I was going out and drinking myself into oblivion. It was the only way that I was comfortable enough to be out in social situations without being a paranoid wreck. I was spending my Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays either totally wasted, or being sick. I couldn’t be me.

So I went to the doctor and got some help. I got my tiny little tablets of joy. And they really were. I look back on that time and i really don’t know how i coped with it. For some people, meds don’t work. For me, they helped me over the worst.

And now…..?
Well, I’m in a very healthy relationship which I can be myself in.
I’m just about managing to keep a lid on all of my emotions (although it has been difficult of late)
I’ve not had an attack in a while
I’m still a little uncomfortable in social situations, but I no longer drink to cope with it, in fact I hardly drink at all.
I see a councellor once a week and we’re sorting things through.

Finally and very importantly…..I’m no longer taking any medication.

Hooray!

48 thoughts on “Thursday, March 29th

  1. Yeah!!! I didn’t know you back then, but what a difference a year makes! I wouldn’t worry about keeping a lid on your emotions so much – just WHERE you unleash them! I take mine out on the wall by the bins sometimes, or I pull at my hair and have a cry in my toilet at home sometimes. No harm done, just a release of pent up energy which can really sometimes help to clear the head.

    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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  2. i was soooo not right back then! lol

    i’m hoping that another year on and i will be back to my happy, smiling, pink self 🙂 xx

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  3. Fabulous says:

    Yay no more drugs..
    Well done you. It really does show you how destroying a relationship can be if its not the right one.
    Good for you to realise that you needed help when you did. And even better than finally you can be yourself. xxx

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  4. i can’t believe i waited so long before getting some help!! x

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  5. Rebecca says:

    Well done you. I hope you are very proud of yourself for refusing to be a victim.

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  6. concertmaster says:

    Hooray indeed! Well done you! Keep going.

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  7. sungirltan says:

    well done you. i feel like im sliding into your last year life tho but you and your boy give me hope that i might m,eet sometone nice and supportive one of these days/years/lifetimes xx

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  8. Rebecca thanks! 🙂 i do catch myself feeling a bit hard done by but i always try to remember that i’m not

    CM hooray indeed!

    SGT oh that’s a love thing to say, thank you! Just try and get out of that cycle you’re getting into though. If you can identify it right at the beinning then you have the chance to change it before it gets too bad….. and as for men…well you know all about the last one, and believe me, the good ones do come along when you least expect it xxx

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  9. Venting says:

    Hoorah for you, PJB! It looks like you’ve come a long way 🙂 A year DOES make a big difference.

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  10. A very long way Venting…. and it’s gone so quick that year as well!! 🙂

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  11. Fabulous says:

    Time always goes quicky when your working on things.
    It may have taken time but it was time worth using on yourself

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  12. James says:

    Jelly babies rock 🙂

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  13. Daxy says:

    Huzzah! As with all Jelly Babies, I have a hankering to bite off your head….
    Oh by the way, time is the biggest healer of all…and you can’t hurry it…. so just keep up the good, calm, level-headedness and be a sensible jelly baby

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  14. thanks James!! 🙂

    Dax calm and level-headed aren’t words that i associate with me but i’ll try

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  15. gazingdown says:

    could this mean, are are actually on route to being……dare I say it……happy???

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  16. avssblondie says:

    WELL DONE PINKY! JUst remember how far you’ve come if you ever start to feel a bit down. I only wish that I could cope without meds AND not drink myself to oblivion to get myself through social situations….xxx

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  17. sungirltan says:

    thanx P – and yeh the Last One is total cock – i dunno how you stuck him so long xx

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  18. hollly says:

    You must be so proud of yourself ! 🙂

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  19. Varbal yes!!! i’m a million times happier than i was… just not every day yet!

    Avass thanks! i’m still very uncomfortable out and about but it’s getting better

    SGT i heard that you’d had a run in with him… i’m very sorry i didn’t warn you sooner! And the reason i stuck with him? i really don’t know…. very very low self esteem

    Holly hmmmm i wouldn’t say proud, but pretty pleased

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  20. 'Ayes B says:

    Well Done.

    Things are looking up.

    XO

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  21. Hey Rich, how are you? Poor Bees all at the bottom 😦 must be pretty grotty way to spend your Saturdays? xx

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  22. c.a. Marks says:

    Hey there. Glad you kept my email. Thanks. I no longer have Ragazza Nell’Amore. Instead you can find me at the above URL.

    Glad to hear things are going well for you!

    I’m in a new relationship too, and still sober. 😉

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  23. catherine says:

    You go girl! I feel so proud just to know you… well… kind of know you. BLOG know you. 😉
    Seriously though, you should be immensely proud of how far you’ve come in a relatively short amount of time. Some people take a lifetime and still never reach a place of calm.

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  24. sungirltan says:

    i wouldnt call it a run in – id call it a swift u turn on my behalf but i doubt thats the story he’s peddling xx

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  25. CA.Mark glad i’ve got you back now!! i’ll pop over and have a look!

    catherine thank you!! awww i don’t know what to say!

    SGT you’re absolutely correct… infact i think he was saying the opposite!!

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  26. sungirltan says:

    yes well he would wouldn’t he.

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  27. out of curiosity, what made you run away screaming?

    (you can be vague if you want)

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  28. sungirltan says:

    i feel a blog entry about this coming on…but i suppose he just showed his true colours a bit quick and i backed out – not quite a swiftly as fireman to be fair but that was pretty much it – and the fact that he lied about who he’d told about what had gone on really fucked me off.
    actually he didnt really do anything so horrific but hes been nasty as hell since then – male fragile egos n all that i guess x

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  29. i think his is more fragile than most! sorry i didn’t warn you before! i would have if i’d known xx

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  30. sungirltan says:

    dont worry sweets – many did but it was him i should have listened to – i knew he was a total bitch ages ago but i chose to ignore it – anyway it was a v short lived experience and i quite often forget all about it/him!
    god h’ll be in ecstasy if he reads this = he lives for people to talk about him!!!

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  31. i’d be expecting an abusive text if i were you!! along the lines of ‘slut’ is what i tend to get

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  32. sungirltan says:

    oh me too!! actually i got ‘you are the rudest person i have ever met and you’re not worth talking to!!’

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  33. hollly says:

    this guy sounds like such a douchebag.

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  34. Pete says:

    Hurray indeed, Sammy!
    And glad new boy treats you right, I always told you one would come along!
    x

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  35. sungirltan says:

    holly – he aint all that neither x

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  36. TheBunny says:

    That really is good news. Glad things are looking up in the land of Pink. 🙂 You can always use this place to scream a little when the need arises. It’s still a mad, mad world outside, after all.

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  37. IanB says:

    Blimey, you turn your back for five minutes and everyone goes off on one unholy bad boy fest. Hello you – I’ve not blogged for AGES but you and a few others (Pete, SGT etc) might remember me. I’m glad you and the boy are together because I remember it all happening via the respective blogs….I never did get a badge (my fault). The ex you mention is, by reputation, a slimeball and deserves nothing less than horrid skin complaints and boils where you have shown yourself over the years to be a loveable nutcase albeit with slightly questionable taste in shoes. 😀

    I’m going to start blogging again soon – soooooooo much has happened…

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  38. sungirltan says:

    oooh ianb – so can so be in our gang!

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  39. Holly douchebag!!! great word!!

    Pete you did always tell me, you’re quite right!

    SGT you crack me up!!

    IAN!!!! hello! are you going to come over to wordpress? i think you should! how’s things with your on/off wife? how’s the cats?

    I always thought you liked that ex…. shows what i know, i guess other people were better at seeing through him! lol

    loveable nutcase? yeah i can get along with that! glad you sought me out xxx

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  40. punctuation says:

    I am indeed coming over to WordPress (20six really killed themselves with that platform change – a classic example of putting the company first and the users last; sorry Pete, you are the exception to the rule of course!) – you can now find me at:

    http://punctuation.wordpress.com.

    I’ll save the details of recent lifetime insanities for my blog but suffice to say on/off wife is now permanently off although it all ended nicely and we don’t throw paper darts at each other or anything horrible like that. All cats still alive and misbehaving. Lots of tales of woe to come in the blog – currently in the process of leaving the present job (the one with russian smelly fag programmer guy) to start a new one with even more random mentalists.

    Apologies to any other bloggers who have no idea who I am and care even less – normal Jelly Baby service will now resume….. 😉

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  41. punctuation says:

    Er, and as a newbie WordPress person I’ve just realised that if I’m logged into WP it doesn’t show me as “IanB” on the comment above – doh! I’ll just shuffle off and read some WordPress For Idiots guides; you’d think being a computer guy I’d know these things already…..

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  42. Marika says:

    Wow…what fantastic progress. Congratulations sounds like a weak salutation under the circumstances, but it sounds like you’ve really turned your life around, and that is such a powerful thing.

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  43. thanks Marika!! i’ve had a few wobbles this week but now i know i can get through it so it’s not as bad! x

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  44. Pete says:

    OI! you just deleted an entry while I was trying to comment and applaud! Hmph!
    x

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  45. Rich says:

    Yay! Well done xx

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  46. hoverfrog says:

    Not even recreationally?

    Kidding.

    Well done you.

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  47. SGT & PJB – you’re so better off without him! Strange bloke, from what I’ve heard!

    PJB – keep your chin up. You’ll get there.
    x

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  48. Wow, Pinky. That is really good progress in what is essentially a very short space of time. My congratulations to you.

    Like

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