Very Super-suspicious

I don’t know where it comes from and it’s one of the things that causes me the most pain to myself.

It’s not like an ex has cheated on me and shattered my confidence, yes I’ve had some knocks from guys but that has never (that I know of) been one of the reasons. It’s not like I come from a family where people get divorced or split up….quite the opposite in fact… and The Boy has certainly NEVER given me cause to think that he would do anything at all like that.

So why do I torture myself with the smallest little things? No kisses on an email. A ‘probably’ before ‘be home on time’. A work colleague who he’s told me talks about boring things but who texts him over the weekend. A half an hour later getting home than he said he would. A night out with the boys. And any number of stupid other things.

I let them niggle at me, sitting on my shoulder and chattering away like the Devil….nothing you can hear in particular, just like sub-concsious ‘what if’s’. What if he has more fun with her/when i’m not there. What if he realises that i’m boring and not the girl for him. What if he’s not even thinking about me at all. What if he’s wishing i was someone else.

Does everything go back to my poor self image? The low self -esteem. The constant unachievable targets that I set for myself. Because I don’t see any other reasons why i can be so irrational about things that don’t even add up to half a thing.

8 thoughts on “Very Super-suspicious

  1. blue soup says:

    Aw hunny, I wish I could give you a hug. I think it is definitely the self-esteem thing. You don’t believe in yourself so you can’t see how someone else might. But you are a very pretty and very funny girl and that is why we all love you so much and so does TheBoy. That is soooo evident when I see you together. Try and stay positive. I know it is hard, but have faith that you are a really lovely girl xxx

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  2. I agree with Blue. From what I’ve read, you have no reason at all to worry. I know it’s easier said than down (and I suffer from the same insecurities) but remember that he moved down to London to be with you and everything.

    Hugs honey.

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  3. Venting says:

    I know it’s hard, I struggle with the same thing. I think if you’ve been hurt in the past, then it’s easier to expect to be let down/hurt again, rather than being surprised by it. At least that’s why I think I suspect everyone and everything…

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  4. concertmaster says:

    Hmmm… it’s a tough one. I agree with the others, there doesn’t seem to be anything for you to worry about.

    But then I guess we’re all like that in one way or another, when we find something important to us, we worry we will lose it somehow. (I always worry people are going to get sick and die…)

    And there are no guarantees in life, no 100% safe insurances against our getting hurt. (Apart from keeping everyone at arm’s length and then we just hurt all the time from loneliness…)

    So I guess it’s a case of just trusting and seeing if you should be worried – and it really doesn’t look like you should be! 🙂

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  5. thanks guys – it’s hard becasue i’m so aware of how horrible it muct be for him becasue he does nothing at all to deserve all the questions all the time.

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  6. Rosanna says:

    Ooo, PJB – remember you are wonderful just the way you are, and it’s human nature to worry… I’m sure he must do it too. You are perfectly right to worry – I worry too, all the time.

    Take care xox (i’m sure he adores you!)

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  7. thank you Rosanna… i am of course working on it, but it’s never as easy as you think it will be!

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  8. Sarah says:

    With everything I’ve read about him, I would trust him. I think you answered your own question that it is a self-esteem issue and nothing else. Blue said, “You don’t believe in yourself so you can’t see how someone else might.” This is something I struggle with every day, and not just regarding boys, friends too.

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