I don’t know where it comes from and it’s one of the things that causes me the most pain to myself.
It’s not like an ex has cheated on me and shattered my confidence, yes I’ve had some knocks from guys but that has never (that I know of) been one of the reasons. It’s not like I come from a family where people get divorced or split up….quite the opposite in fact… and The Boy has certainly NEVER given me cause to think that he would do anything at all like that.
So why do I torture myself with the smallest little things? No kisses on an email. A ‘probably’ before ‘be home on time’. A work colleague who he’s told me talks about boring things but who texts him over the weekend. A half an hour later getting home than he said he would. A night out with the boys. And any number of stupid other things.
I let them niggle at me, sitting on my shoulder and chattering away like the Devil….nothing you can hear in particular, just like sub-concsious ‘what if’s’. What if he has more fun with her/when i’m not there. What if he realises that i’m boring and not the girl for him. What if he’s not even thinking about me at all. What if he’s wishing i was someone else.
Does everything go back to my poor self image? The low self -esteem. The constant unachievable targets that I set for myself. Because I don’t see any other reasons why i can be so irrational about things that don’t even add up to half a thing.