Should this be a secret?

I think maybe it should, but i can’t be bothered, so just the second part will be password protected…

After almost a year of councelling, the date of my last session is agreed. It’s in 6 weeks time. Who knows if i’ll ever be ‘right’…I don’t think i even know what that is any more, so how can i know if i’m ‘better’? I know there’s still something, becasue when I try and think about it, it makes me cry, but i can never get a grasp on what it is.

ell anyway, let’s say a whole lot of sessions have gone past and this week, something came up that hasn’t before. It’s something that I think i’ve known for a long time, perhaps always known but never wanted to admit.

As soon as she asked, it clicked.
I’m lonely.
I have been for as long as I can remember.
At least now, I think i know a big part of the problem that I just couldn’t figure out.

13 thoughts on “Should this be a secret?

  1. LondonGirl says:

    I think you come across as much more settled and much more contented now than, say, six months ago, so I think you’ve made progress, even from a blog reader’s point of view.

    And re the realisation – if you’re getting to the root of the problem, that’s great – you can work on a way to think about it that’s more positive.


  2. Thank you, I do feel 100 times better than I did but there was still something… I think maybe now i’m getting to the root of it, it’s nice and a relief but it’s also painful!


  3. punctuation says:

    Lonely? Really? Hmmm. Do you think counselling has helped then? What has it given you? (I realise all of that lot is a load of questions – sorry!)

    For me it’s taken a loooong time – many many years to get to grips with who I am and I’m still learning (as anyone who reads my protected posts will know). Life is a great adventure and just like any good adventure story there are heroes and villains, set-backs and successes and a plot which is hard to work out and keeps you guessing until right near the very end.

    At least that’s my theory (and excuse).

    Sammy, you’re a diamond in the rough, really you are, and sometimes you’re far too hard on yourself. x


  4. red says:

    As I’ve only come across your blog in the last few months I have to agree with LondonGirl that you come across as very settled, contented and also positive. I’m sorry to hear that you struggle but I’m glad to hear that you’re working your way through it all. x


  5. Ian yes, thinking about it, i have been since i was very young. It makes me clingy in my relationships and fearful about my friendships.
    The councelling has helped me almost as much as the drugs did. Thinking back to how I was when i started, there’s a very noticable difference.
    It’s made me able to cope with the situations that used to floor me and make me an emaotional wreck for hours. It’s made me think about the things I worry about in a more rational way…and that’s just for starters. It’s made me able to get on with my life much eaiser and without a lot of the stress.

    I’m aware that i’m still learning and will face things much harder than I already have. But considering a mostly happy girl who was enjoying life turned into one who couldn’t even make it to work without crying…I think it was something that needed to be dealt with in a way other than thinking it was just part of life, becuase that’s certainly not part of everyone’s life.

    Red thank you, I am indeed a much more stable person than i was just a year ago..perhaps this time next year, things will be even better!


  6. Dom says:

    I dunno about you but admitting to myself that I was lonely would be a huge deal. The logic (if you can call it that) goes that if I am lonely I need someone, if I need someone I need to let someone in, if I let someone in people will invariably get hurt, therefore we need to concentrate on learning to get on alone… or at least with people held at a reasonable distance. That’s probably just me though 🙂


  7. Dom I think you got it spot on there. It was a big deal to me, I’d thought about it a few times but never admitted it to myself.

    I was a lonely child, being an ‘only child’ in the sense that my sister never lived with us. I find it hard making friends and putting myself out there, and the two times (once and primary and once at secondary) school that i made ‘best friends’ it swiftly turned around on me and I was bullied by them.

    Don’t get me wrong, I have The Boy and I love him to bits, but having drifted from my friends more and more over the years, once i’m left alone, if The Boy is busy or out or I think about losing him….well then i’m completely on my own.


  8. Mas says:

    I think that … on counselling… on whether you’ll be better, what better is, and how you know you’re “right”… I think that you can look back on the past 12 months and see how you’ve changed. I would say that the first part of “being better and right” is recognizing that something is wrong, and then taking steps to change it; which you’ve done. And you have come a long way.

    Loneliness is one of the hardest things we face; and we can fill our lives with so much – trying to ignore or avoid the problem; but it is always there – and like you said – it does affect our decisions, the way we think and feel about things. Making our reactions extreme or inappropriate. Counselling is not about fixing us, it’s about helping us see what is wrong and maybe giving us advice that can help us fix ourselves.

    When I divorced, one of the things that slowly became apparent was that I was alone; I’d lost my “support network” of friends (largely due to the fact that most of my friendships had been made while I was at Uni, and had then dissipated across the country/world). That’s when I started blogging. Good friends “in real life” are hard to come by, but, in the “virtual world” I’ve met some of the best people you could hope to know.



  9. Mas I agree with you about the ‘virtual world’ I think it’s a big part of why i blog and why i HATE it if there’s no one around and no one comments!
    I love that i have a small support network online but for me, it can never be the same as knowing you have someone you could just pop out with if you’re bored.


  10. Lyns says:

    Ditto your last comment. I am like you. I talk to my homeopathist – have you ever been to one? mine is lovely and she got to the root of my problems, very much like yours…i found it strange that for so many years i have been depressed and could never quite put my finger on it, and one session – and it all came out. It’s there, underneath all your layers…it just needed someone to prod it gently…


  11. Lyns hello! 🙂 I’m not sure if the loneliness is the whole problem, but i’m pretty sure it’s a great big chunk of it! x


  12. Diane says:

    Absolutely agree with Lyns. It’s like the layers of an onion and one day you hit the right layer. Does that make sense? I was feeling/wanting/needing just the very same way as you up to a couple of years ago. I had postnatal depression but realised it went much, much farther back than that.

    You will know, you really will. Please hold on to that thought. I felt so alone for a long, long time. But not any more. Lyns knows what I went through and will vouch for that. You are never alone and hang on to that too if you can.


  13. Hi Diane… well i’ve worked through a lot of stuff while i’ve been seeing her and dealt with all of the obvious stuff that was right on the surface, but things that have been there for a long time just take a while to get to.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: