Dance of the Twats

Now, I know i’m tired and showing off…but I’m pretty sure that there’s more and more out there these days. Twats that is…or twits, or prats, or whatever you want to call them.

I think there’s plenty of different ones, and I’ve had the displeasure of coming into contact with a fair few over the past few days, and as ever, thought I would turn my raging observations into a blog post for you all. And I can guarantee that while reading this post, you will nod along in agreement at some point!

So, here is my list:

Oyster Card Twat – “Oh erm it has no money on it? Oh, can I just get on the bus anyway?” No you sodding well can’t! Pay like everyone else.

Fumbling Twat – yes yes, you stand in line for five minutes but not think about getting out your ticket/money/card until the last minute and just hold everyone else up.

Isle Seat Twat – why don’t you just move over?! Instead you make people squeeze past you to sit on the other seat!

Coffee Snob Twat – “I’ll have a extra tall, half caf, double shot, extra hot, wet skinny late with soy milk hold the cream” gah.

Charity Collector Twat – yes i do have time, no i don’t want to give you money, I work for a charity myself and earn a good few grand less than I would somewhere else. I also already give to 2 charities monthly as well as donating bigger sums now and then and having raised about £1,000 for Cancer Research and £500 for a local hospice, I feel I do my bit. So DO NOT make me feel guilty for walking away from you.

Taxi Twat – yep, you just randomly stop anywhere you like and cause a pile up behind you becasue someone with too much money who’s too lazy to walk and too posh to get a bus needs a ride.

Pedestrian Twat – that’s right, just walk right out in front of the bus becasue you’re so desparate to get to work. You’d probably be doing us a favour anyway.

Overpowering Perfume Twat – you think washing in expensive perfume makes you seem decadent. No. Or you think we want to smell your Eau de Cheap Immitation? No. Either way, it just burns off the inside of our nose.

Dithering Twat – this could be any time, any where….but the best example is people who get to the top of the escalator and suddenly seem unsure how to put one foot infront of the other in order to get off.

Blackberry/Mobile Phone Twat – twiddling with your Raspberry and having loud work conversations into your mobile doesn’t make you sound or look important. It makes you look like a twat, see?

Train Driver Twat – Firstly, you don’t turn the heating on. If i wanted to sit in a freezer for 40 minutes, i’d do it at home. Secondly, you advertise one destination on the front of the train, another destination inside the train and don’t make any announcements about WHERE in the hell you are going! This makes some people get off the train and be stranded somewhere less than desirable and then find out that it WAS THE RIGHT TRAIN.

These are just the twats that I see on my journey to and from work. Believe me, there are a lot more like: Mobile Phone Music Twat, Trolley Twat, Trying to be Cool Teenage Twat, Drunk Twat, Druggy Twat, Pervy Twat, Look at Me Twat. The list could go on and on, but then you might get the impression that other people annoy me or something…..

23 thoughts on “Dance of the Twats

  1. Robbie says:

    Next time you should get on the wrong train then you can’t be annoyed 😉


  2. But then i’d still be on the wrong train. What i want is the RIGHT train and to know that it’s the right one!


  3. Oh God, I may be you after all! Not only is there the booty shaking but I also get annoyed by the many, many twats out there and I work for a charity too.

    I think Fumbling and Dithering Twats probably piss me off the most. I find Trying to be Cool Teenage Twats quite funny. I myself was probably a Drunk Twat a little while ago and decided to tell a Trying to be Cool Teenage Twat that revving up his moped made him look like an utter twat because mopeds are NOT cool! Then ran away scared that I was going to get knifed.


  4. Hmmmm perhaps we are…but i don’t think i’m quite as naughty as you!

    Teenage Twats CAN be funny but sometimes it’s just all too much!


  5. Awesome. I’m always ranting to the girlfriend about these people who drive me insane. You’ve summed them all up in one post!
    Just last night, I got caught in a flock of migrating twats that made my journey from work to home absolute hell…


  6. Did you get stuck behind all of the slow walking ones? I hate that


  7. Blackberry/Mobile Phone Twat – twiddling with your Raspberry and having loud work conversations into your mobile doesn’t make you sound or look important. It makes you look like a twat, see?

    My former boss, I’m sure of it! It used to be so embarrassing being out in public with him because he would speak authoritatively to people back in the office and I would be sitting there thinking: ‘That person doesn’t even work for you. Why are telling her what to do so loudly?!’. Of course, he wouldn’t have a blackberry – he can’t even turn a computer on never mind send an email on a blackberry. His wife has to do his emailing for him. He’s a w@nker.

    Sorry, this turned into a rant!


  8. That’s quite alright Hooli! 🙂

    The worst are young ish girls who think twiddling on their Raspberry makes them look all important and cool like in the films or something!


  9. Jo says:

    “Blackberry/Mobile Phone Twat ”

    These are ALWAYS out in full force on the district line to SW London. What is SO important that it can’t wait til you get home? Fiddling about with your blackberry like their lives depend on it. Twats. And young people with blackberrys. Particularly if they’re wearing ugg boots. Twats.


  10. littlespoon says:

    Oh yeah! I hate all of the twats in the world who think they’re entitled.


  11. TimeTraveller says:

    The groups of people that walk in a row taking up the whole pavement so you have to walk/run really fast on.the.road to get past them – twats.


  12. Perpetual says:

    Thank god I don’t have a Blackberry, instead I’ll settle for maybe being a ‘slight mobile mini twat.’



  13. Couldn’t have said this better myself. Cannot stand any of these twats!!! I think you have rage problems like myself – we clearly both suffer from pavement rage.


  14. Elle says:

    OMFG you are hilarious! Hehe I used to commute on the train to uni and there were SO MANY of these twats you would not believe it.

    But you forgot Bluetooth Twat – usually middle-aged men who walk into shops with those goddamn bluetooth headsets on, speaking really loudly, so that EVERYONE CAN SEE the bluetooth headset. I’m damn sure they think they look super-cool wearing them, like they’re Jack Bauer or someone special like that.

    Er, guys? They’re for you to use IN YOUR CARS.


  15. huwie says:

    Yes, yes, yes!

    Taxi drivers are very like their close cousins the BMW/Mercedes drivers who think that the ridiculous price they paid for their car includes the right to park on double-yellows, or anywhere they want for that matter.

    And for all their extra gadgets on their cars, they never seem to go for the optional indicators…


  16. Jo that’s what i don’t get… i mean if you’re a heart surgeon or something then fine, but can things really not wait?!

    TT YES!!! don’t walk in a bloody row! It means i have to step OFF the curb!

    Perp it’s ok, i’ll let you off i think

    Polly I sure do have a rage problem! Particularly at the moment for some reason!

    Elle I can’t believe i forgot them! Damn it!

    Huwie you’re right, we could do a whole spin off of relations to the twats!


  17. Ashlie says:

    I am a dithering twat. Don’t get mad a me though! I’ve seen too many after school specials where the escalator eats your foot, so now I have a wee bit of a phobia.

    Please, be kind to your neighborhood dithering twats. We may just be mental.


  18. Ah well Ashlie, that’s genuinely being a bit scared, it’s the commuters that use them every day but still seem unsure how to get off them!


  19. Fabulous says:

    eeeeeeeee its all different around here. Havent read the post as i was too excited with the change. I was only thinking ealier that you havent changed your blog for a while. I like it. x


  20. well Fabby, this is just a holding look… i’m waiting to edit the css but it keeps messing up! There will be something better soon!!


  21. Mas says:

    oh dear. I’ve been an Isle Seat Twat a few times (usually, in my defense, only when it says the seat next to me is reserved – although half the time it ends up not being taken unless I decide to sit in it!) and mobile twat… um… I’ve scared a fair few children when the hands free was working for my phone 🙂 but I’m not entirely sure that that is the same thing you know 🙂 I try to keep quiet (especially when, as more often than not happens, I realize mid-conversation that I’m in a quiet zone (why don’t they make it more obvious as you enter the carriage?!?) … oh well…
    I like the look – holding or not – it’s pretty fab.
    catch you later
    have fun


  22. sungirltan says:

    i nominate Tesco Twat…this isan all emcompassing term for people who walk slowly during the lunch rush, dither anywhjere in the shop and my most hated version – the people who languish in front of the muller rice shelf having a big conversation for ages – yes and that includes you cutesy couple and bloody annoying student – you seem to fod shop in packs and dither/chat in your hordes!! grrrrrr

    im so glad its not just me having angry week xxxxx


  23. non-blondie says:

    hahaha good list! I have come across all of these and more.
    Can I suggest not at all subtle about drug use twat, loud mobile conversations that implicate you and your family or friends in a number of recent serious crimes twat, lay off the self tanner streaky twat, the oblivious twats who wander slowly and diagonally across the footpath blatantly ignoring those who walk speedily and with purpose, and twats who are too precious to carry a shoulder bag or backpack and therefore have to endanger the ankles of everyone else behind them by dragging a tiny little suitcase all over the place. GAH!


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