Reading Blue Soup’s blog today, reminded me of what my state of mind use to be like.
It was a tangle of confused feelings that I neither knew or could find the start of and didn’t think I had a hope of untangling. I wandered around under a black cloud and would have panic attacks at the drop of a hat. I sat at my computer at work many times, with tears rolling down my face and would get so worked up at the thought of some situations, that I would make myself ill. I was constantly aware of the knot of sadness in my chest. It was there every day no matter what I was doing. I closed the lid on my overflowing emotions and tried to force them to stay in. I became scared to cry for fear of never stopping. I couldn’t even recognise a feeling of happiness because I was too scared to feel.
With the help of my councellor (and myself), I worked through the strands that were easiest to untangle. The sadness wasn’t there 24/7 but it was still there, waiting to ambush me if I let my guard down. Over time, with every strand that I untangled, with every issue that I dealt with, the sadness decreased but it was still there. When asked how I was feeling, I knew that I wasn’t feeling alright, that there was still a knot in my chest.
Reading Soupy’s post about how she has been feeling made me think about how I am feeling. Days here tend to blend into one, working from home makes every day the same and I struggle with missing my friends and things from home but I can take a moment and appreciate what I have.
I still get inexplicable black days, but I can pull myself out of them and I’m certainly not afraid to cry any more. It’s better to cry when you feel like it, than to bottle it up. Sure, I still don’t watch sad films, or read a book that I know will be sad, I just don’t feel that I could cope with it. I am by no means ‘better’ but I have changed my situation, my life, done something for me. I know the triggers and I know more about how I need to cope with them.
…Today, when I looked for that knot of sadness in my chest, it wasn’t there. I am happy. Perhaps I’m almost ‘me’ again.