It takes Time, Patience and Understanding.

Reading Blue Soup’s blog today, reminded me of what my state of mind use to be like.

It was a tangle of confused feelings that I neither knew or could find the start of and didn’t think I had a hope of untangling. I wandered around under a black cloud and would have panic attacks at the drop of a hat. I sat at my computer at work many times, with tears rolling down my face and would get so worked up at the thought of some situations, that I would make myself ill. I was constantly aware of the knot of sadness in my chest. It was there every day no matter what I was doing. I closed the lid on my overflowing emotions and tried to force them to stay in. I became scared to cry for fear of never stopping. I couldn’t even recognise a feeling of happiness because I was too scared to feel.

With the help of my councellor (and myself), I worked through the strands that were easiest to untangle. The sadness wasn’t there 24/7 but it was still there, waiting to ambush me if I let my guard down. Over time, with every strand that I untangled, with every issue that I dealt with, the sadness decreased but it was still there. When asked how I was feeling, I knew that I wasn’t feeling alright, that there was still a knot in my chest.

Reading Soupy’s post about how she has been feeling made me think about how I am feeling. Days here tend to blend into one, working from home makes every day the same and I struggle with missing my friends and things from home but I can take a moment and appreciate what I have.
I still get inexplicable black days, but I can pull myself out of them and I’m certainly not afraid to cry any more. It’s better to cry when you feel like it, than to bottle it up. Sure, I still don’t watch sad films, or read a book that I know will be sad, I just don’t feel that I could cope with it. I am by no means ‘better’ but I have changed my situation, my life, done something for me. I know the triggers and I know more about how I need to cope with them.

…Today, when I looked for that knot of sadness in my chest, it wasn’t there. I am happy. Perhaps I’m almost ‘me’ again.

13 thoughts on “It takes Time, Patience and Understanding.

  1. chele says:

    that picture just summed it up so well, I loved the pic you used here. I know oh so well the state you are talking about

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  2. Smidge says:

    Hey im a new reader having come over from Blue Soup.

    I’m kinda in the same situation, feeling sad alot of the time. My mum told me once she thought that i’d never been happy, but i think its because i have such a high expectation of what happy should be…

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  3. Date Girl says:

    It’s so good that you’re working through your issues. And it sounds like even though some are far away, you have a great support group for yourself too. Here’s hoping you have more sunny days!

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  4. Chele I think a lot of people know it, just not everyone talks about it!

    Smidge I have high expectations of myself. I lost what it was like to be happy and thought it should be more than it was. I’ve learnt to know more when I’m feeling happy. It’s just little moments.

    DG Believe me, I’ve come a long way! πŸ™‚

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  5. Jo says:

    You have so much to be happy about as well. Great place to live, great bloke to do it with, friends and family back home when you need them – It’s amazing what making a break from the London rat race does for the mind. x

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  6. It’s interesting to read this because those of us who have only recently starting reading your blog haven’t encountered anything but a seemingly very happy you.

    It’s good though that you’ve worked through and are continuing to work through your issues to be that happy woman. We all have those black cloud moments/day/months/etc., and it’s uplifting to read someone else’s dealings with it.

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  7. missbandsissy says:

    I’m so glad to read that you are in a better place in life. It takes strength to try and be happy because it is easy to stay down.

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  8. Felisa says:

    Agree with the person above me. Ever since I started reading your blog, I’ve never sensed any sort of, well, sadness or confusion. You’ve always seemed like a very jolly person.

    I suppose I shouldn’t characterize you as a “sad” person now though. lol. I think you’re just human. I’ve been through some really rough emotional times as well and that feeling that everything is tangled and that I can’t even figure out where to start untangling my life sounds so familiar. I’m glad that you’re happy and learning to deal with things better. πŸ™‚

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  9. blue soup says:

    I think the photo sums up the tangled knot of emotion, but I wouldn’t say that I have been feeling down generally. The anxiety at the moment has been sparked by two major upheavals in a short space of time, coupled with an external difficulty that would perplex even the most mentally-sound person (which I hold my hands up to not being!)

    I’d just like to say a massive public thank you for being there when it was going tits up the other day. I really appreciate the support and advice xx

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  10. Jo I think I was a lot of the way there before I left, but being here has enabled me just to make that last step and relax into being myself again.

    Amind It’s nice to know that’s how I come across. It’s the person I really am but that got lost for a while. It’s nice to know that I’m back there.

    Felisa Sometimes it just takes a while to untangle! I’m very glad that I come across cheerful!

    Soupy it’s a pleasure! πŸ™‚

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  11. Sean says:

    hey babycakes! oh my heavens i can relate. i was depressed throughout high school and half of first year university – then last year I had another bout! I am just more confident now that it will come and go. In “My Best Friend’s Wedding” Paul Giamatti, as a bell-hop, leans over to the beleaguered Julia Roberts and tells her “this too shall pass.” Whenever I get sad these days I just hear Mr. Giamatti’s voice and then turn on Whitney Houston.

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  12. Sean I SO need to get me Whitney’s Greatest Hits… oh yes.

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  13. Cee says:

    Smiles to you from Texas!

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