Dr Who?

Thanks to Twenty Something Writers for these writing prompts!

You’ve just been given at time machine. You can only use it once, to go back to day in your past and relive it or change something. What day would you go back to, what would you change and why?

Oh my. Well, this is a tough one. They say everything happens for a reason and I firmly believe that all the things that have happened to me in the past (that immediately spring to mind that I’d want to change), have made me the person I am today (which I’m kinda happy with)..however there’s one thing that might make me a more peaceful person, and one that would possibly change quite a lot about my life. So I’m going to say that I’ll think about it, and decide between these two.

1. I would go back in time to the night my Nan died…and I’d be there. I felt guilty for years. I felt selfish for having been out with my friends. I felt hard done by for not getting to say goodbye. In all honesty, she was so frail and ill, I probably wouldn’t have wanted to see her…I’d not seen her for a few weeks before she died and the last time I had, it had upset me so much to see her like that…but I didn’t know then it was the last time and I didn’t say goodbye. I’d like to.

2. I would go back in time to the first day I felt a very sore, tender lump on the bottom of my spine. I wouldn’t dismiss it as a bruise. I wouldn’t ignore it and hope it’d just go away. I wouldn’t leave it until it go so bad that I had to be taken to the hospital to have an operation to remove it. I’d just go to the Doctors and he’d give me antibiotics to clear it up. If I could just go back and do that, then I think things would be quite different.

I wouldn’t have spent almost a year going to the doctors every day to get my dressings changed because it wouldn’t get better.
I wouldn’t have had a wound cuarterised* and wouldn’t know how shitting painful it is.
I wouldn’t have had 12 different types of antibiotic which ruined me for quite a while.
I wouldn’t have missed my whole second year of Uni. I might have got a 1st.
I wouldn’t have gotten so depressed from having to stay in a whole lot.
I wouldn’t have put on 4 stone (yes, really)
I wouldn’t have fallen out of the loop with my friends and become so damn socially uncomfortable.

But then if all these things hadn’t happened, who knows…maybe I wouldn’t have met The Boy and moved to Spain. I certainly wouldn’t have discovered blogging. I wouldn’t have such a high pain threshold (really if you’ve had an open wound cuarterised with no anaesthetic, there’s not much that hurts). I would probably be a whole lot thinner though….which would  be nice! And I wouldn’t know how much fun morphine is.

*there’s not actually much on the internet about it and I’m still not sure what the consultant did to me as I was facing the other way….but he basically had a giant (hard) cotton bud that I think was covered in some kind of chemical that he scraped around inside the wound. This burns the top layer of (non-healing) cells off to reveal fresh new ones that hopefully um ‘make new ones’ and heal the wound. Sorry to be gross and un-technical!

10 thoughts on “Dr Who?

  1. sungirltan says:

    i totally get you on the first one – i think if i could go back it would be the day sheps mum died and id force him back to plymouth so he was with her when she went – he over justifies to himself all sorts of bollocks reasons why its better that he missed it but i know he will regret it forever and always feel guilty.
    the second one sounds totally horrid – hope thats all better now x


  2. punctuation says:

    Er, that might be because it’s spelt: “cauterized” or “cauterised” 🙂


    On another note: it’s better to do item 1 and forget about item 2. “I wouldn’t” is not helpful – there are several things in my life I wouldn’t have done but I did them and, overall, good ro bad they made me who I am now. I will make mistakes in the future but I plan to succeed rather plan not to fail (a big difference).

    Looking back over the past and wishing things were different is a negative pattern and not helpful. Things in the past can’t be different – so head towards the future and live each day as it comes and enjoy it as much as possible.

    I wrote a poem several years back called “My mother never hugged me when I was a boy” which is all about blaming our parents and our past for things that didn’t happen. In the final analysis life, on the whole, is good especially if one learns to live it like you might not wake up in six months time. Hence the planned third marriage and emmigration to the US…



  3. SGT my Mum always says that I was too young and really it probably wouldn’t have been a good idea as she was so ill but it had been a while between when I’d last seen her and when she died…I wish I’d just said goodbye.

    P Oh yeah, there it is…and still not very nice!

    Like I said in the first paragraph, I probably wouldn’t change anything… but being ill had such a huge effect on my life, it was something I wanted to write about. I’m well aware that thinking negatively and living in the past isn’t helpful, I was councelled on it for a long time!


  4. Kirses says:

    I feel put off going to the doctor because any time I do go (like about once or twice a year) I feel like I’m just there for no reason, as I’m rushed through an appointment. Having said that – your post reminds me that its a good idea to go anyway.


  5. Sebastian says:

    I wonder what I would do, if I could change things…

    Did you easily come up with those two instances, or did you have to sit and think about it?

    I don’t think I’ve ever sat down and thought ‘shoulda, woulda, coulda…’ though I am sure there are many people like that out there!

    And you’d be like… a waif, if you were 4 stone lighter…!


  6. Kirses yes, although it has made me a bit paranoid now!

    Mr Seb I came up with those two easily, I think they had quite a big impact on my life so they just sprang to mind!

    And bless you but really, I look smaller than I am.. if I lost 4 stone, I’d be normal! Well…maybe 3, I’m not quite as big now as I was then. I wouldn’t be and wasn’t a waif.. Just very teeny


  7. Paula says:

    Ouch. That sounds painful.

    But then everything does happen for a reason I guess. And like you say, who knows what might have happened had you done things differently…


  8. Eleni says:

    Interesting. I can think of some little stupid things I’ve done that I wish I could take back, but I’m having trouble thinking of something substantial that I would change, in large part because I don’t know what I could have done instead to make things better, or whether it would change something else for the worse. Maybe I would change my college major, or join more student groups, but who knows where I’d be now.

    This reminds me a bit of my “time/printer anomaly” post I did last fall:
    In that, though, I was writing a letter to myself two years ago, so I had the two year limit, but I could tell myself to do as many things as I could think of and even warn myself of bad things that would happen in the world. A slightly different thought experiment. I was also being pretty silly when I wrote it, you may notice.


  9. Felisa says:

    Wow. I had no idea about what you had to go through with your spine and all.
    Let me elaborate because I don’t want to come off as butwe’reblogfriendshowcouldyounothavetoldme! Because it sounds like it was such a long battle for you, I’m surprised it’s not brought up more. Then again, I suppose it’s not your favorite topic which is totally understandable as I can think of a few things about myself that I am not completely opposed to discussing should the need arise but which I prefer not to talk about.

    And about your Nan? I have similar sentiments about my grandma’s passing. It’s not that I wasn’t around enough during the last hours… it’s that I didn’t get to verbally tell her that I loved her until after she fell into a coma… That’s when I was given the cue to be with her as much as possible. But she never regained consciousness and never heard me tell her that I loved her so much… she passed away 3 weeks later. It still haunts me to this day.


  10. Paula exactly, I know a lot of good things happened too, and they wouldn’t have if things had been different!

    Eleni I liked your post! I think there’s a lot of things I’d warn my younger self about..I might have saved myself a few yucky situations if I’d known what not to do!

    Like you say, things might have somehow ended up worse if these things hadn’t happened to me but seen as I don’t know about them, all I can think of are the bad things that happened because of it!

    Felisa It’s strange, although it was a really tough year and a horrible experience, I think it’s something that I think of as not having happened to me…. it’s not something I remember unless I think about it. Maybe that’s my way of coping with it all.


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