Just Ask;

..First of all, just let me say that this post is only password protected because I know not everyone wants to read ‘emo’ stuff on blogs and that a good old moan isn’t everyone’s cup of tea.

See, I know that not everyone ‘gets’ depression. Some people are eternally positive, happy and optimistic. And some of us aren’t. If you are of the ‘snap out of it’, ‘just get on with thing’s’ or ‘what have you got to be depressed about’ school of thought, I’m asking you to move on and keep those thoughts firmly where they belong…in your little brain.

So you see, I’m giving you the chance to escape now before I get really into it. If you just come here for smiling pictures and a little chuckle then you should run along.

~ : ~

Lately, as some of you ladies know, I’ve been feeling a little lost…at sea perhaps. More or less since I got back from my visit to the UK, I’ve not been able to shake off a niggling feeling of something. What that something is, I’m not sure but it is unsettling, emotional and un-nerving.

When I was pulling myself through depression, it helped to think about the reasons why I was upset, what had got me in a panic, and then I could mostly talk myself out of it in a rational way. This time though, I can’t really put my finger on  it.

Last year, when I left the UK, I was only just getting back into my stride. I was only just beginning to see little glimmers of myself again. Only just about comfortable in other people’s company, but I felt like I had left my friends behind, out grown them. Living here has been wonderful for me in terms of my confidence and stress levels and I have re-emerged, a little worse for wear and certainly changed but still me….so you see, when I went back to visit as the healthier, happier me, I realised that I hadn’t outgrown my friends or left them behind, I’d just put myself behind a huge brick wall that everyone was on the other side of. I had removed myself from my life and made one that was safer for me at the time, one with only a few people, where I couldn’t get hurt and could try and untangle the mess without anyone looking on, without anyone realising what had happened.

I don’t need to do that now though, well I didn’t think I did. Visiting my friends and being happy and comfortable around them made me realise how far I have come and that I was ok back in my life surrounded by people I know and love (I’m useless with people I don’t know!!)…the hard thing now isn’t me, or how I feel…it’s that I’m miles away from them all, in a different country…. and now I’ve come back here, I feel like i’m being sucked back into the little isolated world. I’m spending more and more time indoors by myself and I don’t want to go out because I’m shutting down and building walls….

Some days I feel ok. I still laugh. I still feel happy now and then. Suddenly it will engulf me. This grey. The panic. The crush in my chest. It’s like something has shifted. Like one side of the shelf has fallen down and all the things I knew are sliding off and I don’t know why and I can’t pick them up and fix it because I don’t know how.

I know there’s one or two of you out there nodding along (and I love you for it) and the rest of you may have no clue what I’m going on about…. but really, I’m retreating back into my shell that I built around myself, after a good few years of trying to get out of it and I’m scared. I don’t want to do that again but I’m not sure what it is that’s making me creep back inside.

18 thoughts on “Just Ask;

  1. Amy says:

    😦

    I hate that you feel this way. I know exactly what it’s like. I still get those moments where nothing seems right and I’m trying to stop my world from collapsing around me. I still have a shell around my emotions; it made me afraid to depend on anyone emotionally. I even can’t put up with my bestie’s soliticiousness (can’t remember if that a word or not). So I’ve got him at a distance, and I feel bad about it but I just can’t deal with the emotional overload. We have enough of our own to deal with.

    I wish I had answers for you. I wish that I could hug you and make it all go away. But I don’t, and I can’t. But remember, if you need a chat with someone who ‘gets it’, or some words of support, then drop me a line.

    xoxoxoxo

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  2. Lucy says:

    I think I can understand what you’re going through – although your feeling will be more intense with the whole different country thing – and the sort of thing that has snapped me out of it is doing things that I enjoy or starting some new hobby. It’s something new to be interested/obsessed in and it takes your mind off your troubles.
    I notice that I spend a lot more when I’m blue, and I think I do that to give me the hours of online browsing time, choosing etc, and then enjoying whatever I buy because it takes my mind off whatever pain or blue feeling I’ve got. Give yourself a project, and lots of little things to look forward to. I’m not sure how this may get you out of the mire, but it’ll pass and you’ll come out of it again. At least you’re self-aware of your feelings and you can identify why you’re like this. Don’t worry. In blogging about it and sharing it, you’re starting to rid yourself of the blues as you can and will see from others: you’re *not* alone.

    Sorry if this is waffly! XXX

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  3. Amy thank you.

    I was doing so well, I think I’m as much annoyed at myself as anything else. It only takes one little thing to tip you back over the edge again and I hate that it feels like I’m hanging on with my fingernails.
    x

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  4. Lucy It’s not waffly, it makes sense!
    I keep telling myself that I should start writing more, just write anything and keep my mind busy… but I get annoyed that I’m not good at it! I have very high expectations of myself!
    I’ve spent hours today looking for a necklace on Etsy…literally hours. Just to keep my mind occupied….
    I think you’re right, something to focus on is good, I just need to find something that will KEEP my foucs! (and not cost too much money!)
    xxx

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  5. miss*H says:

    Funnily enough I was about to blog on the same thing 🙂
    I know exactly how you feel. I suffered with depression for a good few years and was dosed up on tablets a lot of the time. I still find it hard to talk about it as the me then was a completely different person..I was either very low or very high and a lot of friends deserted me or I deserted them because they either didn’t know to cope with my high and low moods or I built up a big brick wall and alienated myself from them. Its really really crappy feeling like that. I think the first hing that helped me was to come off my tablets as I belive I was depending on them and almost using them as an excuse to be a recluse or as an excuse for my low periods. I ran away to a different country for a few months which helped but when I got home I realised that you can’t run away from it, its always there I just needed to learn not to focus on the low periods and to focus on the little positive things. Like the others have said its really important to find something to occupy your time (and preferably out of the house) so you don’t have time to dwell on things. Are there any free local evenings clubs you could join? I’m starting yoga soon to a/ get me out of the house and b/ hopefully meet some new people
    x

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  6. MissH I’ve not been on tablets for a good few years now, although I found that they really did help me a lot and enabled me to cope and get through the initial panic that I was in…Everything that triggered my depression was due to circumstances, not places and I’ve never felt like it was home that made me feel that way, it certainly wasn’t a reason for moving…but a change of scene certainly helped.
    I know I need to get out and do something. I actually want to get out and run, but thinking it and doing it are something different for me, it’s another brick wall I have x

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  7. Kyla says:

    This is so hard, I have a friend who is going through the same thing and I don’t know what to say – other than we’ll get through this!

    It’s amazing that you went and had the experience of being your old self with everyone, and I think it’s normal to feel like by comparison your normal life is more walled in – especially with everyone being away and having them all rally around you when you visit.

    Knowing that you’re building walls is huge – just work slowly at breaking them down, and know that some of it might be falling into old habits, but some of it might just be post-vacation/friend binging fall out too. So don’t get too worried too fast, but know that if you ever need someone to chat with I’m definitely here ❤

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  8. miss*H says:

    i have the same brick walls as you I was supposed to have started pole dancing lessons last week..i sent off the cheque and everything but when they day came to it I had a massive panic of “i can’t do this”…too many strangers and a new situation. really silly and i know I need to just bite the bullet and try and the things i want to and say I will but i just can’t..i need to get me some balls! 🙂

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  9. Sebastian says:

    Hopeless optimist here I’m afraid, so whatever I say you should probably take with a pinch of salt — I’m not tinged with pain or guilt or sorrow, so I can be a little ‘fluffy’.

    People can tell you what to do, but really it means nothing unless you’re actually ready to DO something. You acknowledge that you need to go out, or make friends, or whatever — but you have to DO it.

    You can fall back on the ‘it’s a wall’ thing, but… really, how does that help? Are we trying to find some solution that isn’t blocked by your ‘walls’? No, because your only real way out of a hole is to climb out. You can’t just sit at the bottom of a pit and say ‘Oh well. I’ll wait for someone to come along and find me… Hope someone notices…’

    You should probably start digging your way out now, before it’s too late!

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  10. Sebastian says:

    (Oh, and I don’t pretend to understand depression, so I could be miles off. I’m of the school that thinks that depression is just a bit vague. An over-medicated vague, undefinable affliction.)

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  11. smidge says:

    First off I wouldnt worry about emo posts – you’ve read my blog – i guess blogging is all about what you want to write x

    Whilst i dont know exactly where you are coming from, i do get the part about building up a wall from friends to protect yourself. In all areas of my life im happy and relaxed – apart from the issue of friends. Im even happy with people i dont know – i just put them in the box marked “be confident” and all goes well. However, with people ive known for a long time, i always feel like they are judging me and always reflecting back on who i was rather than who i am now.

    I know i shouldn’t, but then thats my quirk x

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  12. What is it you want out of life? I know it’s not an easy question to answer, but what truly makes you happy?

    I remember you saying you’re happy just staring at the sea in the warming sun. I remember doing this a LOT in Aus. It must have been a form of meditation. I’d just stand there staring into the ocean, meloncholy. I think it helped settle my mind, stopped the screaming.

    Maybe you’ve got so used to living in Spain that you’ve forgotten to appreciate those things.

    Someone above mentioned a hobby, I know it sounds shit to hear it when you’re feeling bad and the last thing you want to do is get up and bounce about but seriously, running really helped me. In SO many ways.

    It stopped me going to the pub, it made my mind and body healthier, it opened doors in terms of meeting new people, I have something to talk about as soon as I meet someone new (they’re probably bored stupid!), I have an excuse to go shopping for running stuff, I’m fitter and faster than a lot of my male friends etc.

    At first I thought that the literal running was me metophorically running away, I guess it was to start with but it does help … me anyway. x

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  13. Kyla I’m glad that I can recognise the signs now of falling in to old patterns, it makes it so much easier to catch things before they get too bad. I’m trying just to get through it and not stress too much, just let it happen and ride it out….but it’s not that easy!
    Thank you for your comment 🙂 x

    MissH I don’t know why I have them….especially about certain things. I get 90% of the way there in my head but can just get on and push through to do it!

    Seb I think it’s hard for people who’ve not been there to understand. It’s like migranes…. it’s mean, but I wish everyone could have one just once, just so they know what it’s like.
    The only thing I can liken it to that you might get…is that feeling of despair when someone you really care for walks away from you…the falling, crashing feeling in your stomach? It’s like that….but all the time.

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  14. Smidge I just didn’t want to subject people to it who don’t go in for that kind of thing!
    The judging thing – I felt like that with my friends as well, but once I sorted out my own issues, I realised that it was just me projecting my thoughts about myself onto them, thinking they thought all the bad things I did.
    I know it’s not going how it did last time, and I know I won’t let it get as bad, but feeling that slip is scary! x

    TT I would love to get out and running. I’m not made for it, it doesn’t come naturally, nothing like that does to me…I just need to push myself to get out and do it, because I think I would like it after a while….
    As for a hobby, I just don’t know. There’s nothing I’m really all that good at, and if I’m not good at it, I don’t like doing it!
    I should start painting or writing again…practice makes perfect after all… x

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  15. Felisa says:

    Oh Lord. Part of the reason why I’m deserting my blog for now is because I’m filled with “emo” thoughts.

    I know what you mean, I really do. I hate that feeling like you’re spinning back into depression… I fear that feeling and when it comes, I fear what’s going to happen if I become depressed again so I retreat from the world which kind of sucks because it sucks me deeper into depression.

    At the same time, I feel like I am apart from the person who I become when I’m depressed. That part of me (the tough part who makes no excuses) helps me a lot when I’m depressed because that part nags at me and tells me that I should get off my butt and make stuff happen.

    Maybe you need to break out of your shell. Force yourself if you must! I think doing community service is always a good way to end depression… especially if your depression has to do with feeling like you’re building a wall between you and others. Once you get yourself to do it, you will be sucked into it! Unlike a personal hobby which you can easily give up on, you’ll feel obligated to keep volunteering. It kind of gives you purpose and at the same time, you HAVE to mingle with others. It’s like shooting two birds with one stone. I hope you can try doing that 🙂

    If not, then maybe try to look back on the time when you were recovering from being depressed. How did it happen? What worked then might work again!

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  16. pawpads says:

    It’s difficult isn’t it. You can feel yourself going back to those old thoughts and feelings. If you’re lucky, you can recognise them and do something to stop it from progressing, but sometimes it just sneaks up on you. Like standing still and being surrounded by a fog.

    I had PND after B was born which was my first real experience of depression and it took me over a year before I would go and chat with my Doctor.

    I don’t know what the answer is for you, PJB but I hope you’re able to get back to the real you soon. The real you that you had just re~discovered and were enjoying so much.

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  17. Lpeg says:

    I hit a bad rut about five years ago, and every so often I feel myself slipping into a rut again, luckily, they tend to last only a few days, and then I throw myself into planning a vacation, or fancying a move across the world (things, which never really happen, but distract me enough to get me out of my funk).

    I’m sorry you are going through this funk. I hope you find something that can pull you away from the edge, as it is such a slippery place to be. xo.

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  18. huwie says:

    No easy answers and so I definitely won’t try and come upt with any.

    hugs.

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