..First of all, just let me say that this post is only password protected because I know not everyone wants to read ‘emo’ stuff on blogs and that a good old moan isn’t everyone’s cup of tea.
See, I know that not everyone ‘gets’ depression. Some people are eternally positive, happy and optimistic. And some of us aren’t. If you are of the ‘snap out of it’, ‘just get on with thing’s’ or ‘what have you got to be depressed about’ school of thought, I’m asking you to move on and keep those thoughts firmly where they belong…in your little brain.
So you see, I’m giving you the chance to escape now before I get really into it. If you just come here for smiling pictures and a little chuckle then you should run along.
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Lately, as some of you ladies know, I’ve been feeling a little lost…at sea perhaps. More or less since I got back from my visit to the UK, I’ve not been able to shake off a niggling feeling of something. What that something is, I’m not sure but it is unsettling, emotional and un-nerving.
When I was pulling myself through depression, it helped to think about the reasons why I was upset, what had got me in a panic, and then I could mostly talk myself out of it in a rational way. This time though, I can’t really put my finger on it.
Last year, when I left the UK, I was only just getting back into my stride. I was only just beginning to see little glimmers of myself again. Only just about comfortable in other people’s company, but I felt like I had left my friends behind, out grown them. Living here has been wonderful for me in terms of my confidence and stress levels and I have re-emerged, a little worse for wear and certainly changed but still me….so you see, when I went back to visit as the healthier, happier me, I realised that I hadn’t outgrown my friends or left them behind, I’d just put myself behind a huge brick wall that everyone was on the other side of. I had removed myself from my life and made one that was safer for me at the time, one with only a few people, where I couldn’t get hurt and could try and untangle the mess without anyone looking on, without anyone realising what had happened.
I don’t need to do that now though, well I didn’t think I did. Visiting my friends and being happy and comfortable around them made me realise how far I have come and that I was ok back in my life surrounded by people I know and love (I’m useless with people I don’t know!!)…the hard thing now isn’t me, or how I feel…it’s that I’m miles away from them all, in a different country…. and now I’ve come back here, I feel like i’m being sucked back into the little isolated world. I’m spending more and more time indoors by myself and I don’t want to go out because I’m shutting down and building walls….
Some days I feel ok. I still laugh. I still feel happy now and then. Suddenly it will engulf me. This grey. The panic. The crush in my chest. It’s like something has shifted. Like one side of the shelf has fallen down and all the things I knew are sliding off and I don’t know why and I can’t pick them up and fix it because I don’t know how.
I know there’s one or two of you out there nodding along (and I love you for it) and the rest of you may have no clue what I’m going on about…. but really, I’m retreating back into my shell that I built around myself, after a good few years of trying to get out of it and I’m scared. I don’t want to do that again but I’m not sure what it is that’s making me creep back inside.