I found this, written in a notebook from years ago…when I was my unhappy self. It’s strange to read the dark thoughts:

The door to the house stands open, gaping and black like the beginning of the end. All of the sash windows are up although most of the glass is smashed, the curtains flap in the breeze. As I walk up the road towards it, I can hear the raised voices, heavy accents and slamming doors. I hold my breath, wondering if I will see them.

I haven’t seen them in weeks but today, the house stands like a gaping wound in the street and makes the breath catch in my lungs.

Perhaps it is possible for a building to be full of poison, to affect the things and the people that live in it and the people who walk past it. You almost expect to see a small dirty face at the window, silently pleading for help and release.

I remember the first time I saw them, the kittens. Sitting in the window like those lucky Chinese cats, all inviting eyes and sweet faces. I took a picture of them on my camera phone, thinking that they looked like pretty porcelain statues. I didn’t know then that they were a bad sign, like an omen signalling that the day would be bad. If I only saw one, it might be bearable but two and I’d spend the day fighting for control of my emotions.

I sit down at my desk and check my emails. Those in the work account are the usual reminders of tasks I have failed to do and things I’ve already done wrong. I check my personal email. One new message. ‘[he] has sent you a message through Facebook’.
The burning sensation creeps up my face, my insides plummet as the pin prickles of fear wash over my scalp and down my spine. My eyes fill with tears.
I refresh the page to make sure that I haven’t zoned out of this world and into an alternative world. It’s still there. The tears spill over and stream down my face.

I should have known, it was going to be one of those days.

8 thoughts on “Flashback

  1. punctuation says:

    I go back and read some of the poetry I wrote when I was not the happy self I am now. Dark, bleak stuff (I even wrote one called “Walking with my black friend” which got picked up and used by a collection of people overcoming the kind of badness that filled my head when I wrote it).

    I wrote one a while ago as elegy for a poet I knew, in passing, who couldn’t move away from that overwhelming feeling and subsequently jumped in front of a train – http://alexsykie.com/poetry/bully/

    It’s the being able to look back and see how crappy the feelings where and how things are now which is quote cathartic, in a way.

    Years back my sister threw out all my diaries that I had kept from the age of 11 until I was 23. I’ll never forgive or understand her for doing it. She keeps a diary herself so I don’t quite understand what was going through her head and at least ask me first, especially as I did not live with her and it was in a pile of stuff that had accumulated through various house moves. My mother and her were “tidying up the house” and decided they were no longer needed. Sigh. Probably just as well – they covered a horrible time in my life, unhappy childhood, the loss of my son, dissolution of my first marriage (to a truly awfully abusive woman).

    But it would have been nice to be able to look back…


  2. jen says:

    That was so sad….but also beautifully written! I generally cringe when I read something I wrote long ago. x


  3. Jen it’s a bit scary to think that’s how bad I was….but I’m glad when I look back that I dragged myself out of it.


  4. Handsome Curlew says:

    I have a black friend!


  5. pinkjellybaby says:

    Um…. that’s nice for you


  6. Miss B says:

    You should be a writer.

    You are now on this blog now I guess, huh? 🙂


  7. andhari says:

    That’s really sad 😦 Must be hard to be in such situation and deal with gloomy feeling all the time. Been there 😦 Glad you’re happier now.


  8. MsMagic says:

    This makes me so glad i threw out those notebooks. The ones that started happy before my thoughts became darker and darker.
    I am glad you are feeling better now!


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