The Gap in my Brain

Ok, there’s things flying round in my head and the only way I can think of getting them out is to write about them….so I’m afraid that you have to hear about them!

Things with the fella are going swimmingly…so much so that of course, I am worrying about it. I wouldn’t be me if I wasn’t.

I feel like I’m getting lost. I was so over looking for and wanting something that I was quite fine with my own little life by myself doing my own little thing. And then someone comes along and changes all that. I’ve gone from just making myself happy to wanting to make someone else happy too. Checking my phone for texts and refreshing my emails. Being sad when I can’t see him and worrying that things have all gone wrong if it all goes a little quiet.
I am in fact, doing my own head in.

Everything seems too much and I feel like I’m at breaking point most of the time. Previously spoken about crazy emotions are everywhere, work isn’t great, all of the mentioned above and my head just breaks. A week of just wanting to cry. A five day migraine. And then I hide. My relationship is new and could really do without me switching my phone off for a day but I do. Just me is safe and I can sort things out. Just me is not condusive to a healthy partnership.

I feel like I don’t deserve it mostly. I don’t understand why he is so lovely to me and why he says all the things he does. I look in the mirror and what I see is so at odds with what he describes that I just can’t believe it. I am not good enough for him.

Like I said to him…he is a 8/9 (now he’s started going to the gym and wants to get even hotter and there’s a full sleeve in the making – if you know me, this is awesome) so he will be a 9/10. I think I’m about a 6/7….if I could lose the three stone that I’ve been promising forever and not delivering, then I will be a 7/8. Sevens don’t end up with tens. In the end, they find another ten.

Genuinely – this is how my head works.

I didn’t think I was good enough before and now he’s just going to get better and better and I just can’t get my head around that. There’s no way that I will be able to keep him once he realises what he’s worth.

And that makes me so horribly sad.

10 thoughts on “The Gap in my Brain

  1. Georgia says:

    You’ve already said how positive thinking and confidence through the hypnosis made such a difference in your life! We can all tell you you’re being silly but you won’t believe anyone until you believe it yourself! You think he’s perfect 10 which is why you’re with him. He thinks youre perfect 10 too! This is a grown up relationship, he likes you for you! Not everyone is so shallow to put importance on outward appearance. If he really loves you he’ll love all of you, even when you’re sick, spotty, or angry, fat, thin. It’s earlybdays but it’s that stuff that makes things work! You deserve the perfect 10.

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  2. DiscoMcDisco says:

    Sounds like you need another little confidence refresher from your hypnotist. It did such a fabulous job last time.

    At the end of the day, that niggling doubt that you’re not good enough gets to everyone but it seems that you’ve also provided yourself with something to quantify it by. He won’t be lying, and even if he is a 9/10 in your eyes, i’m pretty sure he’d be measuring you the same way.

    He didn’t start going out with you with a vision of wanting to change you, so he’ll be happy whatever you do. You wanting to change yourself is another thing entirely, which brings us back to the confidence boost, perhaps a little reminder that the effort will be worth it (for you, not him) wouldn’t go amiss either.

    Chin up Pinky, just remember that HE thinks your gorgeous and, essentially, thats all that matters in quelling this current mindset. x

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  3. DiscoMcDisco says:

    I should have just said ‘Snap’ after Georgia’s comment really.

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  4. Georgia You know you see those couples walking down the street and you think ‘really? those two?’…. that’s what I worry we are like. I guess it’s just come at a time when I’ve been struggling with myself a bit and so the two together has made me question myself more. I just need to find my happy place again and for me, that comes with me knowing that I’m trying and not sabbotaging myself!

    DMD Yes, I want to change myself…because I’m not happy – which is in turn making me wonder why he could be happy with me. I just need to get my head into it and DO something instead of just worrying!

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  5. Brianna says:

    I used to think this way when I first started seeing my man of two years. I was like “why is he with ME” and I would get really sick inside when we hadn’t talked in 5 days. But really he was just working really hard. Enjoy the time you guys are apart because it sounds like you guys are moving forward and then you will wish you had time alone like I do now! This is the fun part of the relationship…enjoy it! He would not be with you if he didn’t want to be. Guys are that simple! Us women…not so much.

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  6. LofRede says:

    I think (and this is just thinking mind you) that you think you’d be ‘happy’ if you lost 3stone. Whereas actually you’re happy now, with yourself and your man but you can’t let yourself see that because you need to lose 3stone. It’s one of those things that you can’t really get yourself out of because it’s been a goal for so long but I think you just need to relax.

    woth him, with yourself and with how you feel. Let it happen, enjoy it.

    And i think you’re at least an 8, 9 when your smile goes all the way up to your eyes x

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  7. hoverfrog says:

    From a psychological point of view you are entirely correct. Those who consider themselves to be “10” end up with those who they also consider to be “10”. I would propose that your young fellamelad may just consider you to be as smashing as he considers himself, if not moreso. That you may have a deflated opinion of yourself is detriment to your own well being and is something that you may wish to address.

    You’re more than a 6/7 and if you think that you’re over weight then you might want to consider that some of us prefer a fuller body.

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  8. But, in your head, you know that you are wonderful, even if you can’t believe it all the time. And you know you’re gorgeous. Honestly, you have nothing to worry about. Nothing.

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  9. HC says:

    Speaking as an 11, I would definitely have you down as a 10.

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  10. Oinker says:

    I never had any confidence in how I looked when I got together with my partner. I thought he was out of my league. He’s also a lot nicer a person than I am. I’ve thought for 15 years that he could do better. But he’s never wanted to. Of course, the fact that we now have a child together has meant that I’ve put any thoughts of the relationship ever ending out of my mind.

    And while I think he’s a ten, ironically he doesn’t like the way he looks either…

    Think about it. And be happy.

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