Ok, there’s things flying round in my head and the only way I can think of getting them out is to write about them….so I’m afraid that you have to hear about them!
Things with the fella are going swimmingly…so much so that of course, I am worrying about it. I wouldn’t be me if I wasn’t.
I feel like I’m getting lost. I was so over looking for and wanting something that I was quite fine with my own little life by myself doing my own little thing. And then someone comes along and changes all that. I’ve gone from just making myself happy to wanting to make someone else happy too. Checking my phone for texts and refreshing my emails. Being sad when I can’t see him and worrying that things have all gone wrong if it all goes a little quiet.
I am in fact, doing my own head in.
Everything seems too much and I feel like I’m at breaking point most of the time. Previously spoken about crazy emotions are everywhere, work isn’t great, all of the mentioned above and my head just breaks. A week of just wanting to cry. A five day migraine. And then I hide. My relationship is new and could really do without me switching my phone off for a day but I do. Just me is safe and I can sort things out. Just me is not condusive to a healthy partnership.
I feel like I don’t deserve it mostly. I don’t understand why he is so lovely to me and why he says all the things he does. I look in the mirror and what I see is so at odds with what he describes that I just can’t believe it. I am not good enough for him.
Like I said to him…he is a 8/9 (now he’s started going to the gym and wants to get even hotter and there’s a full sleeve in the making – if you know me, this is awesome) so he will be a 9/10. I think I’m about a 6/7….if I could lose the three stone that I’ve been promising forever and not delivering, then I will be a 7/8. Sevens don’t end up with tens. In the end, they find another ten.
Genuinely – this is how my head works.
I didn’t think I was good enough before and now he’s just going to get better and better and I just can’t get my head around that. There’s no way that I will be able to keep him once he realises what he’s worth.
And that makes me so horribly sad.