As you all know, i’m not the most confident tool in the box (nor probably the brightest) but I have been getting better over the past year, little by litte.
It was after I got skinny but before I got confident that I found myself on a pub crawl with my friend. It was her ex’s, friends Birthday or somesuch. I didn’t really know anyone and was propping up the bar having a little look around, doing some shots (as you do when you’re unconfident and don’t know anyone). Mostly lads…some around my age….
Oh hello, yes you’re hot but younger than me. Then it was forgotten about, after all, he’d given me a quick glance but that was all.
Months down the line, June, and a few little encounters with the same group of people later, it was said friend’s Birthday. This was after I started getting fat again and in the midst of finding, but not having quite found my confidence. A group of us were out locally and along popped her ex (they maintaned some kind of friendship) with some of his friends.
Oh hello again, excuse me while I squeeze past to go to the bar. Yes, you’re hot. But oh, as I return from the bar, a blank look…a look, but no smile, no hello. Perhaps you think I’m a drunk. Well I am. Anyway, you’re too hot for me.
Then all of a sudden, as happens, it’s Christmas. The 28th December to be precise and there’s another pub crawl with that group of people. Friend has got back with her ex you see, so it’s all happy faces. This is once I was fat again, but not THIS fat and after i’d found my confidence, well a bit of it.
I was showing them, my friends…you know, the ones I’ve talked about who didn’t like the new me. So I was dressed to kill, but just the right amount. Looking hot, for me. And all of a sudden, there he is again.
Well. Perhaps not quite as young as I thought, still hot that’s for sure. A nod hello! A few pubs later there’s someone saying he looks like my ex..he looks totally shamed. Here’s me waving the white flag again. Clearly not interested. A few more pubs later and I’m sure him and his mate are talking about me. I apologise for the earlier banter and try and make good…still not much chatter. I’ll leave it.
Ahhhh New Years Eve. I hate this day, far too much expectation. I tweet about staying in by myself. Friend’s now bf is having a house party…. suppose I could go. Don’t really feel like it though. This is now I’m fat again and now I have much more confidence, even more with a litre of vodka.
He’s here. Hello. A glance at me as he walks in, ok feels a bit frosty. He’s having a chat with my friends, more or less ignores me. Oh well, let’s party. Only one thing for it, drink a LOT of vodka, take some co-codamol for my headache, drink more vodka and fall into a coma.
Can just about stand up as we watch the countdown on the TV. Friends are somehow on the other side of the room…. 5,4,….Not even sure I can stand up much longer….3,2..oh, i’m standing next to him….1….and as he goes to say happy new year… I kiss him.