In two days time, I am 29. I don’t know if I can adequately put into words how unhappy I am about this fact. Let’s just say, I’m firmly ignoring it and pretending that I’m still somewhere around the 24 mark.
Don’t worry too much, I’m not scheduled to freak out until I get to 30, that’s when things will unravel and I will really lose my shit. I’ve got a year to go yet.
My main problem is, I don’t feel like I’ve done much with my life up until now. I haven’t achieved much of anything.
I’m certainly not married and I don’t have children, both of which were definitely in the plan for my twenties. I haven’t figured out what to ‘do’ with my life, or found my ‘calling’. God hasn’t spoken to me and I don’t have a dog. I haven’t found my style and I’m still a few sizes bigger than I should be. I can’t for the life of me cook decent rice, no matter which ‘never fails’ method I use and my cheese sauce always tastes of flour. There’s been no cure for my migraines, there’s times when I fall back into depressions and want to shut myself away and not speak to anyone. I rely on my parents to bail me out of money troubles which shames me no end. I have a ridiculous overdraft and can’t control my spending. I have no money saved up for the dream wedding that I want and will end up having to get married in the local registry office. I will never have my dream wedding. I will never own a unicorn.
If I dwell on any of these things too much, I get sucked into a swirling vortex of doom that I will never be able to drag myself out of, so I do what most sane people do and ignore them. Instead, I will focus on the things I do have. I have a man who loves me very much, who I am planning a future with. I have a flat that is mine. I have lovely friends and a wonderful family.
That will do me. For now.
Next year though. Next year I can’t ignore it. I’ll be in my thirties.
I have to decide what to do with my life. I have to grow up and get my act together. I want kids, I want a job that I’m proud of and that I enjoy. If I want those things, at some point I have to take a deep breath and go out there and get them. That all has to start somewhere.