It happens, one minute you’re bemoaning the fact that you can’t meet someone decent, that men are the devil and that you have no hope of ever meeting someone, someone ‘for life’. The next, there’s five months and 20 days until your wedding. That’s how life happens. That’s how quick it goes, in the blink of an eye. Which is pretty terrifying really.
Last year, I was terrified about turning 30. Not just because I was getting older and quite frankly, none the wiser, but mostly because I felt that I hadn’t really achieved much up until then. Thirty years spent on this planet and what did I have to show for it?
A tweet today from Becky over at Spirited Puddle Jumper made me think about how I’ve actually found it.
Everyone on Twitter at the time told me how they were actually, despite their own panicks, loving their 30s. Mostly because they felt that they were finally ‘settling in’ to themselves, finding they were more comfortable in their own skin and where their place was in the world. I scoffed. I was so far from this point that the notion that I would soon reach some form of my own personal ‘zen’ was inconceivable.
But….while I might not be quite there, while I often have the most epic of hissy fits because ‘everything looks disgusting on me’ (really), or feel like there are many things I could have/should have done before now, I find myself more ok with this.
- Every day I learn more about the limitations and strange goings on of my muddled little body, things make much more sense now. Before, I thought I was quite possibly being a bit insane with how unwell I felt. Now I know there is a reason. I still have a lot to learn and a long way to go in managing it witout drugs but at least I have a diagnosis.
- I don’t have time for people who don’t have time for me and have made my peace with that instead of feeling guilty about it. I have people who love me and support me and are positive influences in my life and that is what is important. I don’t think I would have had the peace within myself to accept that sometimes, these things just aren’t going to happen and to move on a year or so ago.
- I might not have changed worlds or cured a disease (I always wanted to ‘make a difference’) but I do volunteer work and I raise money for charities that mean a lot to me. I try to be there for the people I care about, and as much as I can be, be giving and selfless. I hope that by doing these things, I might have made a difference to someone, somehow.
- I am about to (crazily soon) become a wife, and I really cannot wait. We have our church, venue, photographer, cars, and band all sorted. The hymns are picked, the honeymoon is booked and my dress (which I am totally in love with after a few very stressful and confusing weeks) is ordered.
So – 30. I might not be where I thought I would be when I imagined being this age. I am not a high-flying career woman or an aid worker in Africa but when I was about 12, I wanted to be a jockey and I’m not one of those either. I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason and exactly how they are supposed to. I have wonderful friends, healthy family and I will soon be a happily married woman….and that’s pretty good if you ask me.