Category Archives: The Past Posts

The Men

Over a lovely dinner on New Year’s Eve, my husband and I (why do I always say that in my head in the Queen’s voice?) were talking about our Ex boyfriends/girlfriends – this may be an odd conversation for a couple I suppose, and I have no idea how we got onto the topic – and how those people have taught us things about ourselves and life.

I consider myself to have had four boyfriends prior to meeting my husband – those that I would call boyfriends and not pigs, flings, mistakes, interludes – and I think I learnt something important from them all.

Possibly unconventionally, I remain friends with them, at least to say hello if I bumped into them and maybe go for a coffee. Of course, I’d still be gutted that I hadn’t suddenly turned into a supermodel, their faces full of sick horror of the fact that they lost me, but I think everyone wishes for that!

(If any of you are reading this, hello!)

  1. The ‘high school sweetheart’. We met at school and somehow, through those messy teenage years, managed to stay together from 13 until we were 19. On a miserable day I’d say they were wasted years that crippled my confidence but really it spared me the near constant heartache of being a teenager. We spilt up during my first year of university when I finally realised that his argumentative streak had worn me to apathy (and I met a really hot barman). Life lesson: sometimes you just grow apart.
  2. The older man. He was a clever, driven older guy (26 to my 20) who wrote a song about me. I was pretty infatuated at the time, who wouldn’t be. He gave me my passion for charity work and a better understanding of who I was but broke my heart piece-by-piece until I had the courage to walk away. Life lesson: you can’t make someone love you not matter how hard you try.
  3. The cad. On, off, on, off, breaking my already broken heart even more, until I met someone else. At which point he made his mind up but it was too late. Great when we were together and I felt hot as hell, but as soon as I walked out of the door it was like I didn’t exist until the next time. Life lesson: chemistry is great but it doesn’t make a relationship.
  4. The one I ran away with. Fun, this was all about fun. Laughing and being my very childish self, pulling me out of the anxiety and depression I was in and pushing me to do new things outside of my crippled confidence. We ran away to Spain – which is still the best and most exciting thing I’ve done – but he was (and remains) and incorrigible flirt which drove me to suspicious, jealous spite. Life lesson: sometimes you’re better off as friends.

What followed was what my good friends would refer to as my ‘Adele’ phase (running out of the pub in floods of drunk tears when they played Someone Like You). Two years of being single, getting extremely drunk, meeting ALL the wrong guys, wishing I would meet ‘The One’ but not being at all ready for it and finally being happy and content by myself in my little house (eating Monster Munch for dinner and collecting cats)….at which point I did meet The One, when I least expected it.

I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason, people come in and out of chapters in your life and I certainly wouldn’t be the person I am today without learning these things.

Know-it-all

As with people who have babies, and suddenly have all the things to tell you that you have ‘no idea’ about, so it is when you get married. Suddenly I feel I have a little wisdom to impart, that I wish someone had told me years ago.

I was sat with my head craned backwards in the sink at the hairdressers last week when I ended up talking to the girl washing my hair about New Years Eve and single friends, and men.

As it turns out, she finds herself with a string of ‘bad relationships’, which is not unfamiliar to me and this is my take on it.

One day, you’ll be married and feeling like you’re getting old, soft around the middle and crinkly round the eyes. When that day comes, you will suddenly wish that you hadn’t spend all of your young and single time worrying if he was ‘The One’ or if he likes you or if you’d ever meet the person who is ’The One’ and had just spent it having the most amazing time.

Don’t worry about meeting the love of your life or that all your friends are meeting people and you’re not. Don’t spend all of your nights out looking for a guy, scanning the crowd for someone who might just be him. Don’t waste tears and time on men who don’t call or text you back.

Go out, flirt with everyone, talk to new people, do new things, smile, laugh, drink too much and dance all night. Do things that you want to do, for you. Enjoy being by yourself and really learn about who you are as a person, without needing someone else to complete you.

Because one day, you’ll have met ‘The One’, despite thinking that you never would, and you’ll wish you hadn’t wasted all that time worrying and had just had an amazing time been your fabulous self.

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Depression: a little understanding

I’m aware that a lot of people are unsure how to deal with it when I have a ‘turn’ or let’s be honest, when I get depressed, again.

Although it will never be as bad as it was that first time – once you actually KNOW that you’re depressed, the signs, what to look out for and how to cope with it a little better, I think falling quite so deep into that spiral happens less often – it does happen, and it doesn’t take someone dying, or having a fatal disease, or being penniless. That’s what I always thought. I can’t be depressed, can I? I have no reason to be. Well, brains and brain chemistry, genetics, thought and behavioural patterns don’t work like that. Most of the time it just sneaks up on me, often when I have a lot going on in my life at the same time. It all adds up.

Imagine if you will, one of those joke tins where you open the lid and the fake springy snake pops out? It’s like that….. all the thoughts and stresses and worries of life are being stuffed into the tin and at some point or another, one of them is just too many and the lid just pops right off and that’s me done, I can’t manage to stuff it all back in, I have to sit and deal with it all.

It’s not all about being sad and crying and moping around (although I do tend to cry an awful lot, at the drop of a hat at these times, mostly through the pure frustration and helplessness that I feel in that situation) and it most certainly isn’t about ‘cheering up’, ‘thinking positive’ or ‘pulling myself together’ or any other of the nonsense that someone who has never experienced depression will no doubt say.

It’s about nothing. You feel empty right where there should be joy or rage or in fact any emotion. You feel bereft of anything, rather pointless really. You’re not all that sure why you are put on God’s green Earth because you’re not worth the shit on someone’s shoe.

Getting up is a struggle, being awake seems like the most difficult thing in the world. Being around other people is exhausting because it’s taking everything you have to pretend that you’re there, to nod and smile and make the right noises in the places where you think you should. It’s pretty much taking all that you have not to get up and walk away as quick as you can, back home to where it’s just you, where you feel safe.

The most I will feel during this time is a knot, right at the centre of my chest, a physical sensation that everything is completely tangled up and I have no idea where the start or the end is.

So I back off from everything and everyone for a while. I go to work because I have to but apart from that, I do little else. I say no when I’m invited out, I stay home and mostly in bed. I don’t even go to the shops because I can’t stand people looking at me. Sometimes, I’ll get ready to go out just to get a little way down the road and not want to do it any more. I will get so upset that I will turn around and go home. At my worst, I would force myself out, only to get there, think that everyone was looking at me and thinking how absolutely disgusting I was, have a panic attack and have to leave and go home, feeling even worse about myself. Thankfully, after medication, a fair bit of therapy and successful hypnosis for some awful confidence issues, it’s not this bad.

But this is where the problems lie with relationships, you have to work at them. When I’m having a bad time, I back off, and go quiet and non communicative. People then quite rightly back off in return, they don’t hear from me, or I always say no to invitations, so there’s no contact…and the less contact there is, the less I want and the harder I find it to make contact again.

I know that when you haven’t had any experience of something, it’s very hard to understand. When you’re a positive, outgoing, confident, optimistic person, you don’t see how the smallest thing (a bus driver shouting at you that no, he doesn’t go to Goodge Street) can play on your mind and send you spiraling into an internal monologue of self-doubt but please, try to be emphatic. Try and see. Because honestly, the very worst thing that you can do is turn the other way and ignore it. To tell someone that nothing is wrong, that they shouldn’t feel the way they do. Believe me, they wish with everything that they didn’t feel like this, that they could stop the whirling negativity that constantly spins around their head telling them that they aren’t good enough or how stupid they were to just say that or do whatever it is they just did.

If you really can’t get your head around it, just have a little compassion, drop them a text, tell them you’re there and be there for them when they occasionally pop out of the black cloud. Depression can be terrifying, don’t let someone be terrified and alone.

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Serendipitously

You always get those complete arsehats, don’t you, you know the ones with their “You won’t find someone until you stop looking” and “It will happen when you least expect it”. We sit there and roll our eyes and think ‘oh do fuck off’….. but you know what (and I would never ever say this to one of them), it’s true.

I had honestly given up. After a string of utter arseholes – a lot of which you knew about – I’d just got to the point where I knew they were taking me for a ride, I knew I was letting them walk all over me and I wasn’t prepared to take it any more for the sake of having someone, anyone.

I would have rather been alone, and happily alone, than spend one more day wondering why they hadn’t text me back or if I’d said something to accidentally make them think I liked them more than I should.

I was happy with my own company, in my little flat with my little cat. The epitome of cat lady.  Continue reading

Age old problem

In two days time, I am 29. I don’t know if I can adequately put into words how unhappy I am about this fact. Let’s just say, I’m firmly ignoring it and pretending that I’m still somewhere around the 24 mark.

Don’t worry too much, I’m not scheduled to freak out until I get to 30, that’s when things will unravel and I will really lose my shit. I’ve got a year to go yet.

My main problem is, I don’t feel like I’ve done much with my life up until now. I haven’t achieved much of anything.  Continue reading

When you know, you know.

I think an accurate look inside my mind is easily achieved. No one can say they don’t know what I’m thinking about.

Just look at my Pinterest account and you’ll see it all laid out there.

In all honesty, there is one thing that occupies my mind 99% of the time at the moment….and I’m not sure how that goes down with most people.

The future. The wedding. The house. The babies.

The Fella and I have been together almost 6 months, a comparatively short amount of time, I agree. We talk about the future a lot and we’re very excited that we get to be part of eachothers and that we want the same things. Continue reading

It started with – well after almost a year – a kiss

As you all know, i’m not the most confident tool in the box (nor probably the brightest) but I have been getting better over the past year, little by litte.

It was after I got skinny but before I got confident that I found myself on a pub crawl with my friend. It was her ex’s, friends Birthday or somesuch. I didn’t really know anyone and was propping up the bar having a little look around, doing some shots (as you do when you’re unconfident and don’t know anyone). Mostly lads…some around my age….

Oh hello, yes you’re hot but younger than me. Then it was forgotten about, after all, he’d given me a quick glance but that was all.

Months down the line, June, and a few little encounters with the same group of people later, it was said friend’s Birthday. This was after I started getting fat again and in the midst of finding, but not having quite found my confidence. A group of us were out locally and along popped her ex (they maintaned some kind of friendship) with some of his friends.

Oh hello again, excuse me while I squeeze past to go to the bar. Yes, you’re hot. But oh, as I return from the bar, a blank look…a look, but no smile, no hello. Perhaps you think I’m a drunk. Well I am. Anyway, you’re too hot for me.

Then all of a sudden, as happens, it’s Christmas. The 28th December to be precise and there’s another pub crawl with that group of people. Friend has got back with her ex you see, so it’s all happy faces. This is once I was fat again, but not THIS fat and after i’d found my confidence, well a bit of it.

I was showing them, my friends…you know, the ones I’ve talked about who didn’t like the new me. So I was dressed to kill, but just the right amount. Looking hot, for me. And all of a sudden, there he is again.

Well. Perhaps not quite as young as I thought, still hot that’s for sure. A nod hello! A few pubs later there’s someone saying he looks like my ex..he looks totally shamed. Here’s me waving the white flag again. Clearly not interested. A few more pubs later and I’m sure him and his mate are talking about me. I apologise for the earlier banter and try and make good…still not much chatter. I’ll leave it.

Ahhhh New Years Eve. I hate this day, far too much expectation. I tweet about staying in by myself. Friend’s now bf is having a house party…. suppose I could go. Don’t really feel like it though. This is now I’m fat again and now I have much more confidence, even more with a litre of vodka.

He’s here. Hello. A glance at me as he walks in, ok feels a bit frosty. He’s having a chat with my friends, more or less ignores me. Oh well, let’s party. Only one thing for it, drink a LOT of vodka, take some co-codamol for my headache, drink more vodka and fall into a coma.

Can just about stand up as we watch the countdown on the TV. Friends are somehow on the other side of the room…. 5,4,….Not even sure I can stand up much longer….3,2..oh, i’m standing next to him….1….and as he goes to say happy new year… I kiss him.

 

The News

I really apologise for the way in which I’m going to do this and I apologise again for the fact that I will leave you all hanging but I don’t have the bloggability right now…

  • There was the L word.
  • He’s moving in.

The Gap in my Brain

Ok, there’s things flying round in my head and the only way I can think of getting them out is to write about them….so I’m afraid that you have to hear about them!

Things with the fella are going swimmingly…so much so that of course, I am worrying about it. I wouldn’t be me if I wasn’t.

I feel like I’m getting lost. I was so over looking for and wanting something that I was quite fine with my own little life by myself doing my own little thing. And then someone comes along and changes all that. I’ve gone from just making myself happy to wanting to make someone else happy too. Checking my phone for texts and refreshing my emails. Being sad when I can’t see him and worrying that things have all gone wrong if it all goes a little quiet.
I am in fact, doing my own head in.

Everything seems too much and I feel like I’m at breaking point most of the time. Previously spoken about crazy emotions are everywhere, work isn’t great, all of the mentioned above and my head just breaks. A week of just wanting to cry. A five day migraine. And then I hide. My relationship is new and could really do without me switching my phone off for a day but I do. Just me is safe and I can sort things out. Just me is not condusive to a healthy partnership.

I feel like I don’t deserve it mostly. I don’t understand why he is so lovely to me and why he says all the things he does. I look in the mirror and what I see is so at odds with what he describes that I just can’t believe it. I am not good enough for him.

Like I said to him…he is a 8/9 (now he’s started going to the gym and wants to get even hotter and there’s a full sleeve in the making – if you know me, this is awesome) so he will be a 9/10. I think I’m about a 6/7….if I could lose the three stone that I’ve been promising forever and not delivering, then I will be a 7/8. Sevens don’t end up with tens. In the end, they find another ten.

Genuinely – this is how my head works.

I didn’t think I was good enough before and now he’s just going to get better and better and I just can’t get my head around that. There’s no way that I will be able to keep him once he realises what he’s worth.

And that makes me so horribly sad.

In with the New

I’m not going to lie to you, I find the whole new relationship thing difficult. While everyone moons on about how it’s all wonderful and exciting, I tend to just spend most of it a little terrified.

Don’t get my wrong, I get the tingle of anticipation and the butterflies accompanying the kissing and the sickeningly long, lingering looks and I enjoy it, I really do…but the rest of the time I’m like a tightly coiled spring.

I guess it’s the fight or flight thing. I’m ready to run, for him to change his mind or back off or start playing games and when he does, I’m off quick smart back into my own cosy little world where it’s just me and I’m safe. Not that he has given me any reason at all to think he might do any of those things, just the opposite, he reassures me constantly.

The past few weeks, I have been so tightly wound that I feel like I might just jump up out of my chair and run and run and run and run until I fall down. Not run away, just run. I imagine this is what a mouse must feel like when it has to dash the gauntlet past the people and cats and traps to get that piece of cheese (or chocolate if you really know your mouse facts).

My emotions are so all over the place that I’m not sure if I really want to jump for joy or dissolve into a sobbing heap on the floor…well, in actual fact I have been swinging wildly between doing both of those things. Perhaps I’m so unused to feeling happy and secure that I’m at a loss for what to do with all these hormones and my body is just in total confusion. Or perhaps I am just completely and utterly terrfied of letting myself like someone this much and possibly getting hurt again that my body is preparing itself.

I know what you will say, I’ve known you all for long enough and it’s what I’d say to someone in the same position, ‘just try and relax and enjoy it’. Well yes, I am trying and I am enjoying it. Enjoying that because i’d had such a horrible day yesterday, he brough me dinner round and gave me a cuddle and that he basically things I’m the best thing since sliced bread….It’s the in-between times that are tough, the times when I don’t see him.  When he’s busy at work or with life in general and this poor little bruised heart and mixed up head of mine convince each other that he’s forgotten all about me or he’s realised that I’m completely and utterly bonkers and he’s best off out or that in fact, he doesn’t want all the lovely things that he’s been saying he does and it was all a big mix up, I’m not the right person.

I’ve given myself talkings to. I’m trying to be sane and rational. I’ve tried explaining to him that I just panic, but it’s hard to get the internal, discombobulated feelings to form a sentence and come out of my mouth making sense…especially if you’re me and there’s so many of the damn thoughts wizzing around that getting hold of one is like trying to catch a fly.

Tell me it’s not just me? Please, before I self combust.