Category Archives: Distant Past

Passing Indifference

Life is funny. If you had asked me when I was say 16, what I would be doing at this time in my life (28!), I would have said “I’ll be happily married with a baby, a nice house and a nice car. I’ll be successful in my job and really love what I do.” I honestly thought that all those things would just come to me, becasue that’s what you do as you get older.

If I spend too long thinking about it, I would induce a mild state of panic upon myself. Realistically, I know I’m not really all that old and I have plenty of time for all of those things….. when I’m not being realistic, I worry. This job is not what I want to do, I don’t have a car, I’m not married and don’t even have a boyfriend let alone the possiblity of finding someone batty enough to want to give me lovely little babies.

I have said it before and I will say it again, finding someone seems more and more impossible as every day passes. Perhaps I am looking in the wrong place or at the wrong people. Perhaps I am expecting too much, not wanting to settle like some people do. Perhaps it will all just fall into my lap and magically happen one day. Or perhaps it will be how I fear, and I won’t be able to find someone who I love for all the world and who feels the same.

I worry that the longer it goes on, the more closed off I am even to the idea of meeting someone. I get more sure that it’s just not going to happen, that I will never meet anyone lovely and decent and so don’t even want to take a chance.
It will take someone coming along and totally sweeping me off my feet for me to even consider letting myself feel that way about someone, and let’s be honest, things like that usually only happen in the movies.

I’d always say i’m a hopeful person, but it’s dwindling fast. I’m beginning to consider getting my third cat, or maybe a tiny little dog that can use the cat flap.

Reasons I am single #5624

Me: I saw the pictures of you in your suit, very nice.

Him: Did you like it?

Me: Yes but it would look better on my bedroom floor.

Clearly I have been single for so long that I am taking on the attitude of a man about it all.

This weekend….
Random chatty encounters and number exchanges with a man I don’t know = 1
Number of fumbly encounters with a guy who appears to be a bit smitten = 1
Very unexpected Facebook chats = 1
Requests for some action = 3

I wouldn’t say I’m going anywhere with any of them but my growing confidence is certainly doing something for me.

Me, Myself and I

Oh my, I really need to start writing again. I love it, I like getting it all out there. Why should i worry if it’s a little repetitive for you guys? How can you ever get bored of my tales of woe or my stories about what man I have scared away recently? You can’t, right so…. update one.


I have things to report, I must say. I’m not sure why I’ve not written about it yet but I think perhaps I was just trying to see where things went and how it all got on but I think I have enough material here to give you all a run down.

(Did I make that sound like I have a man? Sorry, I don’t!)

It’s been three months since my last confession. No, not really. It’s been three months since I went to see a hypnotherapist…. on account of my ‘confidence’. I was sceptical and not really even that sure that I’d done it right or that anything had even gone on but you know what, it only bloody did.

At first I didn’t notice myself but close friends and my parents commented on a change in me, mostly that I seemed happier and much chattier. Then as time went on, I started to notice it myself, just in little ways – standing in a bar with my friends, guys come over to chat and usually I back off and let everyone else do the talking. Well not any more, I get right in there – I don’t even really think about it as an issue, I’ll suddenly catch myself in the middle of a conversation without having had the whole internal ‘but WHAT are you going to say?’ battle.

Then quite a major shift two weeks ago. We went on a night out where I knew two people well (they went home early) and the Birthday girl. Now usually, my friends sulking off home would have had me follow them, but not this time. Oh no. I stayed out for the rest of the night with a bunch of people I didn’t really know…and I wasn’t even so drunk that I didn’t care…and it was fine. I might have even kissed one of them.

This might not sound like all that much, but for me, it’s a massive change. I’m getting to the point where getting out there and making new friends doesn’t seem so scary. I even went on a date with a man from on the internet (not done that in years!). With my best friends being not so great at the moment, this is all very welcome news.

It’s slow progress, but it’s very noticable. Do you even recognise me?

‘social’ networking

Looky there. You don’t get anything decent from me for ages and then two posts come along at once. Not that I can promise it will be decent at all!

Now. I know i said no men and technically this doesn’t count but I thought I would tell you all about it anyway as it has me shaking my head in puzzlement a bit.

It would appear that I’m having a facebook romance.

Yes, you heard me. I have never met the guy. Mr LA (because funnily enough, he lives there). My friends met him years ago when they went travelling there. As the story goes, I got a message from my friend, with him included:

“PJB, this is Mr LA.”

To which I freaked out a little because I thought she was just trying to set me up without his say so. A phone call later and apparently he spotted me on their friends list and asked to be introduced because he’d ‘like to take me to LA and marry me’. Ok.

We chatted (facebook style) for a little while one evening but that was that until at the beginning of the year, he came over to the UK….but you know how it is, we just didn’t manage to meet up as he had requested.

Fast forward to July and I’d not heard anything from him until a message popped up in my inbox. He was here for a few weeks and still wanted to see me.
Please bear in mind that we’ve had minimal chatting time and know next to nothing about eachother.

When I said that I was away for the beginning of July:

“My plan of a summer of crazy love and romance is being squashed!Come back early and your every wish/desire will be fullfilled”

and when I said that he could always stay longer if he really wanted to see me:

“ok, its done! you have an incredibly sexy charm…..
i think you have unlocked a door that may not close”

and today, after he has left, without us having got a chance to meet yet again:

“We didn’t meet 😦 I need to come back more often. Bring yourself here now please, I need a morning snuggle with you”

It’s a little strange, and a little full on….but it’s actually quite nice. All the fun of a new romance without the hassle of it actually being one!

I wonder what would happen if we ever met.


I’m unsure what to say about my hypnotherapy appointment last night. Every time I try to think how to explain it…well, I can’t.

I went for my confidence. I have none, and never have had. I pretend well, even some of my good friends think i’m confident. We had a talk first, about me and how I feel in social situations and meeting new people – this is where my confidence is at its lowest. She’s a wiley fox though, she somehow got me to talking about my Nan and when she died. I was only 13 which is obvisouly a crutial time in your development, especially of emotions…she suggested that the trauma of that at such a delicate age almost put a stop to my growing confidence, and funnily enough, that makes complete sense.

I found it difficult to relax, it took her a while to get me there…I’m still not even sure if I was or not. You’re aware, it’s not like being asleep. You know where you are and what they are saying, you still think your own thoughts but your body is completely relaxed – my muscles were so relaxed, I couldn’t move them.

Then it’s just like following the voice down a path, taking on the suggestions they make and visialising the things they say to you. I think at some points, I was far too relaxed – I find it hard to relax usually and I think my body was just so grateful, it kept sutting off and I was missing bits of what she said, my mind was going other places.

She talked to me of how to be confident when I meet new people, not to internalise and just to be so interested in getting to know them. This was through various methods and a fair bit of guidance.
Then, she made me meet my Nan, and Grandad…to see how happy they are now, to know that they are ok and that it’s alright to move on and start now to begin to develop that confidence that stopped so long ago. This bit was tough. I almost lost it.

Anyhow. It’s not a ‘click and you’re done’ situation. My confidence will now, hopfully continue to grow. I’m standing up straighter and I have smiled a lot, which is not something I have been at all conscious of doing, I haven’t made that decision, it’s just happened, so I guess something went down.

I might go back for a second session, where she will teach me self-hypnosis so I can continue the work myself.

All I would say is that it’s worth a try. Don’t be sceptical, go in there with a willingness to believe that this might have a positive impact and just be open minded… you could walk out a different person.

Reasons I am single #4379

Him: I’d probably say you were 24. Age is nothing but a number. How old did you think I was? Very pretty though babe xx

Me: Didn’t really think about your age. I just liked your cardigan.

Protected: Is it me?

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Protected: Damning Network Rail

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Just pause.

Skin on fire at the touch of their hand in the small of your back, fingers trailing down your neck. Goosebumps.

It’s that moment. The few seconds before the kiss, when the time slows down and the rest of the world fades to grey.

Pause. Lips almost touching. You breathe in their outward breath, warm and sweet. It sets the butterflies in your stomach dancing.

That’s the moment.

Bodies press closer, eyes close, lips meet… and you plunge from the top of the rollercoaster.

My favourite feeling in the world. That’s how you know.

Top Totty

Someone said to me recently that all I seem to blog about is men, but to be honest with you, there’s nothing in my life that is so different from yours…. I go to work, I hate it, people annoy me….what you don’t get, are all the useless men I do. So perhaps you want to hear about them? If not, you wouldn’t read!

So let’s do an update for the new year – happy New Year by the way.

Turns out I wasn’t so good at the kiss them and nothing else thing…..I got way into the everything else, which although was fun, is not a good look for me. I get way too attached, too easily. That’s not to say I’m giving up on the idea, in fact, I’m still stuck on the idea of not getting stuck on one particular person.

Out is Mr Invites Himself. He invited himself one too many times. I mean yes, he as twinkly eyes and yes, it’s very difficult to resist them…but I’m over the “want to fuck?” text messages and the one or two weeks in between them.

Out is Young Guy, who some of you may remember from aaaaaages ago. The hot, rugby player who took me on a few dates in the summer…well recently we, let’s say bumped into each other. A rather cheesy but oh so good text of “It seems that jager is the way to your heart, can I buy you a bottle for Christmas?” was not followed up with the promises to bring it round, topless on Boxing Day.

Out is The Scouser…not THAT Scouser, another one that I rather liked and didn’t tell you all about.

Back in is Single Male Friend.

New additions are LA Guy and Superman.

I shall update you as things happen but it seems to be almost a one in, one out policy in my love life….it’s been this way for ages. Things come and go in waves, they all seem to start and end at the same time, I spend a few days lamenting my loss and then around come some more to take their place.

I’ve not found one to stay yet.